One of the greatest joys of this fall has been going outside about once or twice a week to collect the pecans that have fallen on our front and back lawn. At first I was picking about 5-10 pecans per trip but today I went out and filled up two baskets. I wish I had my camera to show you but my parents borrowed it for a trip. As I pick those pecans I realize that gardening might be so good for my soul. I'm not sure how well I will be at planting and cultivating but I would be overjoyed at harvesting. I feel so close to the way the Lord initially provided for us. So close to nature. It is definitely a miraculous event that happens every season, every year.
Yesterday, I decided to burn all this anxious and restless energy by running several errands that were put on hold. I also extended my workout to an hour. It helped. I did the same today too. Now, it may be true that I am just feeling more energy and it needed to be used. It is nice to have energy--I'm far more productive. I got to pick up some supplies to make a headboard I've been planning for months. David and I got some bedding for our guest room (on sale since linens n' things is going out of business). I've gone grocery shopping, baby shower shopping (for 3 friends who had or are having babies). I emptied 3 boxes that were in our 2nd bedroom (which I will now refer to as the nursery even though it looks nowhere near one at this point). This is really different than a week ago. A week ago I was pooped to just walk to the kitchen to get a drink of water. So, things appear to be better for now. Thought I would update you.
Over the past two years I have come to hate winter due to the associations I've made with being anxious. As that time nears I find myself in conflict. As much as the past two winters have been hard I still seem to have some hope that it will be better. I loved the holiday season before but there was a serious damper when I felt I couldn't enjoy the food or fully relax. I am hoping and praying that this winter will hold something different for me, if for any reason that I'm pregnant. The last few days have been rather icky. In the afternoons or evenings I've felt more uneasy and anxious. I wonder actually if this is coming because I am starting to get some energy back. Sometimes that can translate into restlessness for me lately. I hope, whatever it is, that it is temporary. It won't be the first time to deal with this and I am more equipped to handle it through experience. I am claiming victory over this area of my life and realizing that victory may not look like complete recovery but like not letting it get in the way of my calling and purpose. Their is still JOY and HOPE and LOVE to be had. AND! I can look forward to a day when this life with all of its wonderful and terrible experiences will be validated in Jesus. Compared to the eternity of bliss with Him, life is pretty short. And therefore, my afternoon or few days or even winter of anxiety and unease is but a miniscule shadow--I think I can persevere.
I somehow anticipate that with each week that gets me closer to my second trimester will find me with more energy. I had a small list of things I wanted to accomplish today (saturday the 18th) but that was not to be. My energy level has not changed even though my expectations for them have--which leaves me more frustrated. It is ridiculous how much I did today--I gathered a few pecans from our yard, I cut a few pieces of paper for scrapbooking and then I pooped out. I sat on the couch the rest of the afternoon. I even took a nap even though I had slept about 10 hours the night before. Most might say, "enjoy it while you can!" but I am not enjoying it on days like this, where it is pretty outside and there are a zillion things to do. This is where I am for now. My energy is going toward better things than organizing rooms, scrapbooking, and housework. I just need to remember that. Oh, did anyone else have to turn into a mouth-breather in pregnancy? Sometimes, I can't get enough air through my nose. I get enough to think that I should be fine but then I realize that I'm not getting air.
Some good news reached me yesterday when Marti Witherow, old RTS classmate and friend, called and announced that she had her baby girl--Johanna ("Yo-hanna") Marta Witherow. She was over 7lbs and with dark hair. She was born 3 weeks early so her shower is still next week. Get this--her labor began because of the full moon. I thought that was an old wives tale until she said that all sorts of women showed up on tuesday at the hospital to have babies when it was empty on the monday night. Apparently it is pretty typical. Wild. I'm THRILLED for her. If anyone doesn't know, Marti and Neil had been trying for a baby for years and began in vitro. The first time they tried it had not succeeded and the babies were miscarried. It has been a trying journey for them as they trusted the Lord through barren times. Yet, they persevered and the Lord blessed them. I love seeing how the has worked in their lives and I look forward to getting to know little Johanna (which means "God is gracious").
I was so nervous last night and this morning but happily, and on the first try, we heard the marvelous, music-to-my-ears heartbeat. It sounded like (hoosh, eesh, hoosh, eesh). She said everything sounded and looked great and that I'm considered a low risk pregnancy. Yeehaw! I think I love my obgyn just because she is associated with all of this good news. I am so thankful!! David was laughing at me because I honestly couldn't wipe the grin off my face as we were walking out of the office. Thank ya'll for your prayers!
Since pregnancy began I've had very little energy. This Saturday morning however started with a bang. I woke up with a lightbulb over my head! This epiphany was of how to decorate the nursery (that I'm not going to decorate until after I hear a heartbeat--but it is so fun to think about). I woke up David (a grumbly David) to tell him. I was hyper and tried to get him out of bed by tickling and singing my rendition of "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" from the Oklahoma musical. Nothing doing. So, since I had some energy to burn I looked up some recipes online, put on some music and began making a feast. I woke up David an hour later to announce (to his great surprise) that I made french toast (never made that, by the way). He was appreciative and I was glad to be able do that for him (and for me, since I had a hankering for french toast--actually beignets but I thought anything with powdered sugar would do). After a time of prayer with David we set about cleaning. David covered the dishes (which I love that he does so willingly since I HATE doing dishes), and putting loads of laundry in the wash. I began sweeping and mopping the kitchen and dining room (all the while Cora was bringing in more mud from outside--for awhile there it seemed like a losing battle). After this chore I needed a break so here I am writing into blogosphere. I am about to fold clothes and clean the bathrooms and later will change the sheets on our guest bed. After that, who knows...I will accomplish as much as my energy stores will allow me.
Last night I listened to voice mail from my obgyn's office saying, "We would like to talk to you about the results of your blood work". I heard that and could feel instant anxiety and panic run through me. It just sounded like bad news from the start. I told David about the message and he said, "That's scary". I did my best to distract myself until today since there wasn't a thing I could do. I fought the fears that plagued me of the worst-case scenarios. I called first thing in the morning and had to leave a message. I was worried that I would have to wait all day for a reply but about 30 minutes later they called back and apologized for the worry they caused with their message. They said that nothing was wrong except they found some bacteria that could eventually lead to a bladder infection that they typically treat right away for pregnant women. So, they wanted to know which pharmacy to send the prescription to. PHEW!! I was so relieved and called David and left a message immediately. Even after this was over, I still had anxious feelings. I am not sure why but maybe I just need some time to recover from the scare.
I hope they made a note on my file that said this patient wants more information on their voicemail if a message is left.
This morning I have not been feeling fatigued or sleepy. Also, I have not been feeling nauseous. I'm not sure why I haven't been feeling these things since I have been feeling them for the past month but I will choose not to worry about it until we go to the doctor again next tuesday. I know some women stopped having symptoms and then had a miscarriage but also other women stated that they've had their symptoms stop and then start again due to the hormones coming in waves. So, really I have nothing to go on. I'm still asking for prayers for the baby and thanks to all of ya'll who have.
I've had more cravings. I made a running list in my mind last night of things we "needed" from the grocery store. Everything I craved, we did not have.
1. smoothies 2. cottage cheese 3. pickles (typical, right?) 4. hot tamales (candy) 5. strawberry twizzlers (although last night I wanted them more than I do right now) 6. watermelon
Things that are sweet and cold are wonderful (except ice cream), like applesauce, smoothies, watermelon, real fruit popsicles.
Doughnuts and cake are really attractive to me too, but i haven't allowed myself much access to those things...yet.