I went for a walk with my son, husband and dog today for the first time. It went really well. Young David was asleep and seemed to be lulled by the vibrations of the road. It was good for me to get a walk and see spring up close (rather than through a window). I hope to do that more often.
Young David is awake more often between feedings. It has caused me to lose more sleep because it is harder for me to sleep when he is looking about. I just can't help but interact with him (read: look back at him).
I have been feeling a little more anxious today and yesterday. I wonder if that means my pregnancy hormones are leaving me or if I am just tired/sleepy. I hope it is the latter rather than the former. I keep waiting to see if postpartum depression is going to hit me or if my anxiety will return. It is hard to wait and see. I thought my hair was supposed to be falling out but it seems to be clinging with extra force--even my normal amount of shedding is nonexistent. Doesn't seem like a problem but I already have very thick hair and so I can't pull my hair back without getting a headache from the weight. For someone who was "all belly" with my pregnancy, I can't find much to wear that fits and that is nursing friendly. I know to be patient in losing the pregnancy weight but I would by lying if I didn't say that I miss my pre-pregnancy body b/c I miss my pre-pregnancy clothes.
I have met "Dr. Craig" Flowers and love him! He is incredibly upbeat and positive. I am thankful that he will be our pediatrician. The first thing he said to me was "your baby is a gift." He gave me some helpful instructions which I appreciated. He has gained 8 oz since last wednesday--isn't that amazing?! So now he is a whopping 6lbs. :) I'm glad all that nursing is going somewhere!
It was a bit hectic trying to nurse a hungry (read: crying) baby, fill out a stack of paperwork, and call my husband for his SS#. And as much as I figured this was a normal occurence for these nurses and staff to see, I felt self-conscious that I was the only frazzled mother they've seen--therefore, I'm a mess and I'm doing it wrong. But by the end of the visit I was assured that it was all part and parcel of being new and having a billion things to carry and attend to.
When we came home we both got two hour naps which was refreshing. It also felt good to get in the car and drive (even if there was a fussing baby in the back).
We have a routine of sorts right now. I get out of bed between 10 and 12 (not to imply that I wake up at that point but actually wake up every two to three hours beforehand). I change a tiny preemie diaper and sit in the "best chair" chair with boppy and blanket in tow to feed tiny david. I am in that chair until david comes home with a break to get up and change his diaper in between. Then after david takes our dog for a walk I hand tiny david off to him to get a arm/lap break. I catch a bath, a snack, go to the bathroom. In the middle of the night, we have tiny david sleeping with us in the bed. David changes his diaper and hands him to me to feed and then we just sleep in that position until the next feeding. Last night, however, he didn't go straight to sleep and so both of us were up for about an hour trying to settle him down. It didn't happen until I decided to feed him again.
I was disappointed that I didn't get more time with my husband over the Easter holiday but there were just so many things that needed to get done. So, now he is back at work for about a month before his summer break. He has been working super hard to get so much done. I am so appreciative but I just miss his company. Our best time to connect is when we are about to go to bed and we get to truly talk. We compare notes and walk through our new experiences together.
I gotta publish this before my computer battery runs out...
I got more sleep last night between feedings which was good. I had my follow-up appointment this morning at 9:30 am. Not too hard until I tried to get David in his carseat. He fussed and fussed. I thought that maybe he was still hungry so I sat in my car in the garage and nursed him. Yet, he still fussed. It wasn't until I started driving that he calmed down and went to sleep. (Relief!) His appointment went well: gained 4 oz. since we brought him home, jaundice levels are still going down.
I am constantly holding David between feedings. He'll sleep on me after nursing. I usually sleep with him. However, when David sr. comes home he watches the baby while I take a bath. I hear him fuss (baby david ;)) and it makes me feel anxious. I am concerned that I am holding him too much and he'll not be able to be comforted any other way. My logic says he is only a little over a week--it is ok that I am holding him so much. And also, he is a baby, it is ok if he fusses every now and then. My guts don't say that--just my brain.
Thanks for your prayers, by the way. I did eat a little more today than yesterday. I guess this is all part and parcel of having a newborn. I will try to remind myself that I can do this in Christ's strength AND that this is a phase that has a beginning and an end.
I made it through the first night of bootcamp. I'm not sure how successfully. I wasn't relaxed and it made it difficult to sleep between feedings (which were between 2 and 3 hours). My jaw was sore from clenching the night before and I lost my appetite. David helped by changing his diaper with every feeding. I'm not feeling hungry today because I guess I just feel nervous and anxious about surviving this stage of life. I want to know how normal this all is. I feel this weird guilt when he is anywhere but in mine or david's arms. I have such a mix of emotions of joy, fear, anxiety, wonder, and I'm sure many more that I haven't felt like digging out.
As I said before, nothing happens as it was planned. This is including the homecoming. My first day with our boy was by myself, as David went to work. I see the value of having help at home. My parents are coming but it didn't work out for them to be there until Good Friday. I was too tired to do anything, even for myself (breakfast and lunch). I even put off using the bathroom b/c I wasn't sure if I could leave him in his crib while I went. Stay tuned...
Today is the day. We've had nothing but good news every time we entered the NICU. And today we get to bring our little joy home with us. We are so glad to get to take him home. The doctor called and told me that it was as if he had never needed the NICU--that is how well he is doing! He eats, sleeps, and cuddles like a champ. In fact, David often refers to him as "champ". I think it is so fitting.
I have been gearing myself up for the days ahead. Last night, I took a break from breastpumping in the wee hours so that I could get a straight 8 or 9 hours of sleep just so I can get a good start with david.
The Lord is so good, guys! I can't tell you how many things the Lord has provided. I hope to do a post that would give His providence some justice. We serve a very very good God.