feeling stuck

I can come up with wonderful ideas for my blog and tell myself that I will write it when I get the chance. I open up my blog, sign in, and am ready to type but the ideas are gone. I brood over the empty page for a little while, ruminating over possible blog-worthy topics. I give up and then go to facebook. What is that about? I think that I second-guess the topic, or think about my usual audience and how it will be interpreted (or misinterpreted) by them. I have a similar experience when I have some valuable free time and am unmotivated or too tired to do all the things that I dream of doing around here.

I went out with David for his birthday on Friday night. I was looking forward to it all week. We left the baby with babysitters we trusted and were off to a nice dinner. I thought that I was going to feel free, unburdened, and exhilarated by this unfamiliar lightness. Instead, I felt kind of empty and tired. I enjoyed David's company and the food (Bonefish) but didn't feel the excitement that I thought I would. I suppose I missed the baby but I think I really missed the purpose the baby gave me. However, I find that when I am with the baby, I miss being creative and productive. I also realized recently that even though pouring myself into the baby is appropriate and good, it gives me little satisfaction at the end of the day. I can't show David as he walks in the door at the end of the day all that I've accomplished. All I can do is say, "The baby is alive, dressed, fed, and relatively happy." I am investing in a life where the fruit of my labor cannot be measured. All I really want to do now is sew some curtains, put stuff on the walls, redecorate my kitchen, finish projects. It does help to look back or think back to the first couple of months with the baby and how tiny he was. He is surely growing and I have been fortunate enough to be part of that process. I also imagine that from the Lord's perspective, I have been growing too. He certainly is more patient with the fruit that I slowly bear with the outpouring of His love and life. He sees to it that I die to self daily. I won't say that being a mother doesn't have its wonderful moments because it definitely does. But I can't deny how much I have had to "perish every fond ambition". All in all, my life is blessed. I know that. I just don't think I have ever had to work this hard before.

swingin' a sling

warning: scary hair pictures :)





I have enjoyed our sling when I have used it and highly recommend it to other mothers. I especially recommend it to mothers who have children that want to be held a lot (like mine). Some books and experts write that anything can be accomplished while a baby is in a sling. Uh...no. But it gives more freedom than you would have. In my sling I have: baked a cake, folded clothes, swept the floor, shopped, walked through a museum, and various other things. I also use it to help me hold him when I am soothing him to sleep. He is heavy and my arms are strong but after awhile they get sore. One more reason to use the sling, it is so good for your baby. They get all those good chemicals running through their body from being close to their momma. Also, they are able to be a passive participant in your daily activities. They learn about their world this way. It is very stimulating. My son happens to be super observant and will throw a hissy if he has to see the same scenery longer than 30 seconds sometimes. So, this helps keep him busy. What's more comforting than hanging out with momma?

I have been using a sling by "tiny safari". I bought it at Dr. Saenz office in madison (breastfeeding clinic). I think you can order it online too at www.tinysafari.com. I like it better than the ones from Hotslings because it is adjustable as your baby grows or depending on the several different positions you use.

a break

Well, sort of a break. I had to go to the yearly adjunct meeting this morning from 8-11:30am at the Raymond campus of Hinds Community College. I was nervous about going because it was the longest I have ever been away from baby david. However, I am completely and utterly comfortable leaving baby david with his daddy. This gave me peace of mind. Other than getting up early and other than having to listen to a bunch of stuff that was repetitious to me (afterall, I have been doing this for 4 years), it was so good for me to get away. I came home feeling refreshed and happy to see baby david.

In related news, David and I have been praying and thinking on who could babysit our sweet baby. We were pretty specific about our needs. We wanted someone who was willing to come with me to work for a little while until I think baby david is familiar with his sitter and vice versa. Also, if I am needed for anything, I will just be a hallway away. I also don't have stores of breastmilk yet. This was STRESSING me out. I just couldn't see how all of this was going to pan out and was worried about finding someone for those few afternoon hours. Alas, I prayed about it this morning and chose not to worry and *poof* we have babysitters. The Lord is good because they are folks I feel comfortable hanging out with baby david and I feel comfortable enough to specify what we want. Hurray!

What does that mean? It means that David and I can date again (each other, of course). I am excited about the possibilities of getting away and not being constrained by nursing (b/c I am working on my stores from now on). David is excited to go to the movies while I am just thrilled to have a change of scenery without the cares of caring for an infant for a few hours. I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. I still have to see how the sitters and david mesh but I am hoping for the best! Afterall, these girls have more experience with babies than I ever had.

misinterpreted

NOTE: This isn't written at any one person. I will never (Lord willing) use my blog in order to send "secret" rebukes to anyone.

I have found that throughout my pregnancy and the 4 and 1/2 months of motherhood, I've experienced that I don't present myself accurately to others. When I talk to other mothers about parenting, I don't want them to feel judged or insecure about their personal method. My way of doing that looks like me being very open and vulnerable about my doubts of my own method. Unfortunately, this appears to others like I am more unsure than I am. I feel pretty strongly about our philosophy, meaning I am sure that this method is right for our child, both our temperaments, and our family as a whole. No, it is not the easy route. Yes, there are times when I am so tired that I question whether all this effort is worth it. I retain the right to complain about how hard it is, or how tired I am just like any other mom with any other method. So, you might hear me question it. You might hear me complain. You might wonder why I bother with attachment parenting (my philosophy and method). We bother because we feel strongly about it. Our method is well thought out, researched, studied, and not as strange as some parents have thought. In fact, this method is the tried and true method that existed before "baby training" ever came about. I am sorry that I have misrepresented myself so often. I really just enjoy being genuine with others with hopes that others would feel safe with my honesty and vulnerability. I also believe it to be an attempt on my part to practice humility. I should work on presenting a fuller picture of who I am. I'm not all insecurity and fear. My husband and closest friends can tell you that I'm opinionated, confident, competent, and not prone to emotionalism. I'm quite pragmatic. Just thought I would let you all know.

great minds

I found this quote from David's blog and really liked and often observed it (in myself, sorrowfully, and in others).

"Oh, it is easy for the one who stands outside the prison-wall of pain to exhort and teach the one who suffers." Aeschylus, Prometheus Bound.

another quote which I laughingly identify with

"Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense." Frasier

juicy

We were at Primo's restaurant when some of the women who worked there came out and started doting on our son and kept calling him "juicy". I really loved the term. It just sounds delectable, doesn't it? He does look like if you pricked him with a pin he might slowly deflate. It brings up funny and cute pictures for me (though that last one might not sound pleasant to some of you).

Here is the recent stuff on baby david: He is about 19 lbs now. He laughs, can roll from his back to his side, tries to put things in his mouth and misses a lot. He started nursing every 3 to 4 hours (hurray and boohoo at the same time). We read him so much better than before. We know when he is sleepy, hungry, bored, happy. He has a 5 o'clock shadow on his head and i'm so glad that his hair is growing back. He was looking like mr. clean for a while. He isn't going to be one of those babies that doesn't have hair until 2.

David and I are starting back up with our jobs (David is fulltime and I'm teaching partime (6hours a week). I am starting next week and in need of a good babysitter that I trust. I am going to bring the babysitter with me for awhile so that if there is something that goes wrong or if he needs to nurse I will be nearby. My classes take breaks anyway and nursing only lasts ten minutes or so. I would like to have the babysitter lined up ASAP so that we can schedule her to come and spend time with him so that he will be used to her. We are praying about this person and hope something works out, otherwise, I might have a baby attached to me while I talk about development ;).

new catalog and a new deal--buy 2, get 3rd free!!

check out the new products and new ideas:

http://www.uppercaseliving.com/flash/flipbook-fall09/book.swf

are taxes that bad?

We happened to be about town today and decided to stop by our old haunt (old because we rarely get to go now--and that is not necessarily a bad thing), Borders. There was terrible traffic. David had to park all the way by Kirkland's (all the way across the shopping center). All because Mississippi had a tax free day today (and yesterday). It looked like the last weekend before Christmas out there (or worse). Is it saving people that much money to buy things on taxfree day? It hardly seems worth the effort, especially with all the traffic and crowds (and rain).