How Not To Be The Charlie Browniest
6 years ago
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
commitment phobia
I feel weird saying this but I think I am a commitment phobe. I never ever really thought I was. I always recognized it in other folks and really couldn't stand it. I had to wait for some people to figure out what their options were for a Friday night before they would commit to hanging out with me. Sad, right? So, I think I took some pride in my letting my "yes be yes, and my no be no". However, I think I wait a long time before I make a "yes" or "no" commitment. I think back to my fears of marriage and it was scary to think that I was committing my life to someone else and vice versa. I didn't know the fine print...in other words, what was going to happen down the road that may or may not have me wishing I never committed. I also think about children and that by having them you are in a way signing a commitment or taking a vow to take care of this little one. I can't get out of it. I can't go back if I don't like it or if it doesn't suit me or if I can't hack it (biggest fear). It is terrifying but what is more terrifying is that I will be pregnant one of these days and be terrified and panic because a baby is coming whether I can handle it or not. A total basket case moment that I deem miserable (most of them are). I don't think that I have enough hardiness to handle a difficult pregnancy or a difficult time afterward. Then again, I say all of this without any experience of it. I feel better just writing these things down. Thanks for listening/reading.
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Guitta, you remind me so much of me! But I can now say, that the beauty of it is that you can't go back! When you are in awe of the beautiful little newborn in your arms that God made, part of you, part of your husband. When you are completely overwhelmed by the responsibility or crying because you are just plain exhausted! When you see your dear husband helping and loving you more and more and more and more...And you loving him more and more and more... as the years go by and your family grows. There is so much I could say, and they all just absolutely force you to run to your great Savior (especially because you can't go back!). Everything does, the wonderful and the awful, and that is what I love about it all. And if you ever want a reality check just call me! Sin is a huge reality in our little family! And the Cross is the main part of that reality! So girl I just wanted to tell you that. And by the way, I am excited you are taking sewing lessons! I am addicted to a few sewing blogs which are so inspiring. I am trying to do more sewing these days. It's the great fabric that's out there that makes it soooo much fun! Here is one I think you will like
ReplyDeletewww.artsycraftybabe.typepad.com
and she has a blogroll with a ton of others that I love. But really, do be careful because they truly are addictive. These girls take great pictures and are very crafty. Lots of projects and ideas! Well I just love you and David! We miss you, Kathleen
thank you so much, Kathleen. It is GREAT to know that I am not alone in my fears. I will lean on your wisdom when the time comes. I need all the encouragement I can get. we miss ya'll too. we have plans to see you over the summer (which is only a few weeks away for us).
ReplyDeletelove you!
So, I've been trying to think of something profound and wonderful to say, but well, it doesn't always happen that way. There is something that I find comforting though when I worry about the future. When I think, "Wow! There's no way that could ever go through X" I remember that God's Word is a lamp, not a flashlight or something else that shines forward, but a lamp that shines around where the lamp is. Thinking about that helps me remember that all I really have to "worry" about is right now and doing what is right. I just take the next step and do the next thing and "breath in and out" as Tom Hanks so eloquently says. Also, I remember that I don't have to do the thing that I'm worried about right now, and when I do have to go through something difficult, God will give me the grace to do it--look how He has before!
ReplyDeleteSo there are some random thoughts from one random girl who's far away but wishes that she was closer to give you a hug and to lean on you occasionally when things are tough! I love you and miss you! Two months!