understanding my toddler

I have no standard to compare my child to.  Is he overly rambunctious?  Is he a calm and happy child?  I have no reference.  So, on those days (when I'm far from patient to begin with) and I'm getting on to david just about every other minute I can get really disheartened.  Is my method effective?  I'll switch methods looking for the miracle "my-toddler-is-now-an-angel-because-of-this-method.  Nothing has worked perfectly.  He still does what he does.  Shall I worry that my son is a future delinquent?  I do sometimes.  Or is this behavior normal toddler antics at work? 

Below is a list of normal toddler behaviors that gave me hope, a reference, and an understanding.  I've read some of this before but I forget from time to time and need to revisit it.  With that, I need to revisit the gospel and know that for all "normal" toddler behavior is a sinner in need of grace (which looks like discipline and tenderness) and there isn't a miracle cure.  He will often struggle to honor his parents.  Don't we as parents struggle to honor our Father in heaven?  I know I do.  Anyhoo, maybe you have a toddler too and might find this helpful.  Maybe you are someone who knows someone with a toddler and could use a little understanding as too why "that boy/girl" is unruly.  Give those parents and those kids a break.  My toddler isn't finished yet.  We are working on him/with him to raise him to love the Lord and others.  We aren't finished as parents either.  This is a process that takes decades not a couple of years.  Ok, I'm digressing.  Here you go.  If you want more info, you can go to http://askdrsears.com/ .


9 DEVELOPMENTAL REASONS WHY TODDLERS CAN BE DIFFICULT TO DISCIPLINE


To cope with toddler behavior it helps to remember the basic principle of developmental discipline: the drive that babies have to develop is the same one that creates discipline challenges.

1. Wheels to run on

Imagine how it must feel to learn to walk! He can see all those tempting delights around the room, and he finds ways to get his hands on many of them. once the developmental skill of walking appears, children have an intense drive to master it. So toddlers toddle—constantly. And they can toddle into unsafe situations. Walking progresses to running, and climbing a few stairs turns into scaling kitchen counters.

2. Hands as tools

Along with learning how to pick up things, the one- year- old baby develops hand skills to manipulate what he gets. Doors are to be opened, knobs turned, drawers pulled, dangling cords yanked, and waste cans emptied. Everything within walking and grabbing distance is fair game, or so he figures. To the inquisitive adventurer, the whole house is an unexplored continent, and he intends to leave no stone unturned.

3. Out of the mouths of babes


The development of language—verbal and body— makes parenting a bit easier. Baby can now begin to tell you what she needs with words. This new skill is a mixed blessing. While baby words are entertaining, they can also be frustrating as the parents struggle to understand just what "da-boo" means. Toddlers like to try on different noises to hear how they sound and how they affect their audience. They screech and squeal, yell and jabber. Sometimes their little baby words are pleasing to your ears, and at other times they are nerve-wracking. Language also gives expression to feelings; a feisty "no" from your formerly agreeable child can raise your eyebrows.

4. A mind of their own

Toddlers think, but not logically. Just as motor skills take off during the first half of the second year, toward the last half mental skills blossom. The one-year-old plunges impulsively into activities without much thinking. The two-year-old studies her environment, figuring out a course of action in her head before venturing forth with her body. But a baby's desire to do something often precedes the ability to do it successfully. This developmental quirk drives toddlers into trouble and caregivers to the brink. Even though you know that baby hasn't mastered a skill yet, your explanation won't stop him from trying. For example, one morning our son Stephen insisted on pouring his own juice. He had the ability to maneuver the cup and pitcher, but lacked the wisdom to know when the cup was full. He did not want us to pour it for him, so we let him stand at the sink and pour water into cups while we poured the juice at the table. After a pouring party at the sink, he accepted my hand on his hand and followed my nudge for when to stop pouring.

During the second year your baby's temperament will become more apparent. "Bubbly," "daredevil," "determined," "cautious," and "adventurous" are just a few of the labels toddlers acquire. Children come wired differently, and different kinds of children need different kinds of discipline. Matthew, a relatively cautious toddler, seemed to think out a task carefully before attempting it. If he got himself in too deep he would not protest being rescued. our two-year-old Lauren came wired with a different program. She sees an enticing gadget on top of the kitchen counter and she is willing to risk life and limb to get it. Because of her personality, we don't often let her out of our sight. Her drive helps her keep going, to get up after falling, to persist after being told "no," to struggle with words to make her needs known. It also inspires her to climb higher if the cookie jar has been promoted to the top shelf. The parents' task, in the words of one frazzled toddler manager, is to "keep my child from breaking his neck, and yet encourage him to learn." Think "age-appropriate behavior" and you'll be able to give age-appropriate direction.

5. Some challenging behaviors are developmentally correct

In the normal course of development those same behaviors the child needs to developmentally advance to the next level are the very ones that can get him into trouble. As a child goes from dependence to independence, he will often merit labels like "defiant," "won't mind," "bossy," "sassy," and "impulsive." Some of these behaviors are simply a byproduct of the child's need to become an independent individual. And the "stubbornness" that keeps your child from "minding" is the same spunk that helps him get up after a fall and try again.

6. Get in "phase" with your child

Developing children take two steps forward and one step backward. In each stage of development, they bounce back and forth from equilibrium to disequilibrium. While they're stepping forward into uncharted territory, finding new friends, trying new things, expect discipline problems due to the anxiety that tags along with experimenting. In each stage, expect the calm to come after the storm. The same child who spent two months in a snit may act like an angel for the next three. This developmental quirk can work to the child's advantage and yours. Spot which phase your child is in. If he's trying to move away and grow up a bit, let out the line. During this phase, your child may seem distant from you; she may even answer back and defy you. Don't take this personally. This phase will soon pass. The child is just in the "do it myself" phase and needs some space and coaching (including correcting) from the sidelines.

One day soon, as sure as sunrise follows nightfall, you'll find your child snuggling next to you on the couch asking for help with tasks and suggesting activities you can do together. You may even wake up one morning and discover your six-year-old nestled next to you in bed. This child is now in a reconnecting phase, a pit stop in the developmental journey when your child needs emotional refueling.

When parents and child are out of harmony, discipline problems multiply. If your child is trying to break away when you are trying to bond, you are likely to overreact to what may be normal behaviors of independence. If you are too busy while your child is in the reconnecting phase, you miss a window of opportunity to strengthen your positions as comforter, adviser, authority figure, and disciplinarian.

7. Respect negative phases

Projects such as toilet training should not be undertaken during a negative phase.

8. Plan ahead

Discipline problems are likely to occur when a child is making the transition from one developmental stage to another, or during major family changes: a move, a new sibling, a family illness, or so on. I recently counseled a family whose previously sweet child had turned sour. The mother had started a new job, and at the same time the child started a new school. If possible, time major changes in your life for when a child is not going through major changes herself.

9. What is "normal" may not be acceptable

"I don't care what the book says, Bobby and Jimmy, fighting is not going to be normal in our home," said a mother who knew her tolerance. Part of discipline is learning how to live with a child through different developmental stages. A child's early family experience is like boot camp in preparing for life. A child must learn how to get along with family members in preparation for future social relationships. He needs to be adaptable and learn to adjust his behaviors to a particular family need. Billy is boisterous by temperament. Yet, Billy is expected to play quietly for a few days because mommy is recovering from an illness and has a headache. It is healthy for the child to learn that the sun rises and sets on other people besides himself. Children must learn to adapt to house rules to prepare them to adjust to society's rules.

a song of praise

and perhaps you are thinking from an unlikely source, U2.  However this is one of many praise songs that U2 has written over 30 years.  When others put songs or poems on their blogs I rarely read it (unless it was actually written by the blogger) and often skip to the written parts but even knowing that others might do the same I still want to put it up. 
________________________
The song is called 'All Because of You':

I was born a child of grace

Nothing else about the place
Everything was ugly but your beautiful face
And it left me no illusion

I saw you in the curve of the moon
In the shadow cast across my room
You heard me in my tune
When I just heard confusion

All because of you
All because of you

All because of you,
I Am

I like the sound of my own voice
I didn't give anyone else a choice
An intellectual tortoise
Racing with your bullet train

Some people get squashed crossing the tracks
Some people got high rises on their backs
I'm not broke but you can see the cracks
You can make me perfect again

All because of you
All because of you

All because of you
I Am

I'm alive
I'm being born
I just arrived, I'm at the door
Of the place I started out from
And I want back inside

All because of you
All because of you

All because of you
I am
__________________________
See the double meaning in 'I am'.  I am who I am because of Him and He is the great 'I AM'.  Very clever writing.  This is one of David Sr.'s favorite U2 songs.  It isn't my favorite song but I have a hard time picking favorites with this band.

lent

So, this year I thought I would follow my husband's example and give up something for lent (last year he gave up sugar and this year he is giving up sugar and fried foods, in case you were curious).  I decided that it would be beneficial to give up morning television.  I actually don't watch morning television but my son does.  So what I'm really giving up is morning cartoons.  Cartoons that allowed me to wake up a bit more, take snoozes when needed, eat breakfast in peace and just lounge.  I relied on morning cartoon a bit more since this pregnancy because of the energy I had (or didn't have).  Yesterday morning I had the t.v. on before I even remembered that it was ash wednesday, the beginning of the lentel season (did I spell that right?  I know it isn't spelled like the bean).  David Jr. slept a little later (8am) and we were halfway through SuperWhy on PBS before I realized it.  Rather than interrupt the cartoon right away I waited until it was over and turned it off with nary a peep from my toddler.  It also helped that we were going to church that morning for bible study and he would get to play in nursery, which he loves.  That took up the first morning since we were home by noon and he fell asleep in the car on the way home. 

Today (day 2) we didn't have the t.v. on and david didn't even ask for it.  I was surprised.  I thought he would have felt the absence more but I'm thankful that on top of not having the luxury of just sitting quietly I didn't have to work extra hard to distract a toddler from his desires for cartoons.  I expect the coming week to be easier too since david sr. will be home for spring break.  The t.v. is rarely on during the day when my husband is home.  Probably because we are all more preoccupied and my loneliness for people is less palpable. 

Speaking of spring break, we have an intimidating list of to-do's for it.  I am excited to be getting stuff done but realize that if we get it all done we will be exhausted.  If we don't, which is more likely, we'll still have to figure out when and how to get it done between now and baby #2.  Our list consists of tiling our kitchen backsplash.  Ourselves.  Yea, this could get ugly.  Also, we have some furniture rearranging to do (not a big deal) and some furniture painting.  Gardening is also part of our list.  Which I really look forward to.  I hope for superb weather--sounds divine.  I have to gather, clean, register, and tag our consignment items for the children's consignment that will happen the week after.  Those are the bigger tasks but there are many many less big tasks (but not small).  Getting David to sleep in his "big boy bed" at night, re-covering dining room chairs, making curtains for kitchen and laundry room, finishing curtains for nursery and guest rooms (close but still need some attention), dr's appts, and more!!! 

preterm paranoia

After David jr. came 6 wks early I am more watchful/wary/worried about every sensation pregnancy brings from here on to the end of my pregnancy.  The problem is that I'm 30 wks along and it is hard to avoid strange and unusual sensations since there is, afterall, a person growing inside of me that moves.  I think that I have been having Braxton-hicks contractions so this adds to my trepidation.  What if this is the beginning of preterm labor?  What is going to happen to David jr. if I have to be in the hospital for a week or more?  Who will take over my class?  David sr. suggested we come up with a plan over spring break and then asked if the baby can wait that long.  I wish I had the answer to that.  I haven't gotten into the hospital and I already miss my little boy.  This will be the first time I leave him overnight and I don't like it.  I wish he could come with us (and honestly, I haven't ruled that out completely yet). 

I do take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and I know it!  I know they are praying for this baby to go to term.  Thank you so much, guys!  You know who you are!

driving through

Places I wish had a drive-through and should thoroughly consider it for mamas who have kids in car seats:

1)  the post office
2)  restaurants other than fast food, like newks or mcallisters
3)  shops that do car inspection stickers
4)  grocery stores (just for staples that are a rarely on sale anyway)

wouldn't that be grand?

my funny valentine

It is our 6th valentine's day and I just wanted to share a few quirky things about my husband, david, that make me laugh to myself (and roll my eyes occasionally).

1.  He takes a good couple of hours to really wake up in the morning.  Weekend mornings I'm raring to go (because I'm so much more motivated to be productive when he is around) and I can't get much out of him in terms of complete and clear sentences.  His desire is to sit quietly with his coffee and perhaps a book until he is ready to really face the world.  It is pretty funny to see this same quality in our son (but manifests itself in lots of fussing and rubbing of the eyes).  So, I'm learning not to try and engage my valentine in any deep discussions or planning during these early morning hours.

2.  He reads about 4 to 6 books at once.  I've been known to occasionally have a few books that I'm reading but he takes that to a whole new level.  Usually, they consist of different genres.  He'll have a fun science fiction book, a theology book, a latin and/or rome related book, a bible study, and possibly an informational how-to type book.  He never lacks for reading material and will take any opportunity to read.  Especially true since he got a kindle e-book reader for Christmas.  Books are david's crack.

3.  He has a new found fascination with the early church and the church calendar.  He has read tons of stuff on the subject and has taken last year to celebrate church calendar days.  He found a reformed episcopalian church to attend on such days.  I've gone along for the ride while making wisecracks about my husband becoming catholic and leaving the presbyterian denomination.  He assures me this isn't so but he does love the liturgy of these services.  When I'm not making fun, I'm appreciating that he has learned not to throw the baby out with the bath water as lots of protestants tend to.  He has a great understanding of why the early church did what it did to celebrate/praise/worship Christ.  Whereas, I (and many others) can throw away a lot of what other more liturgical churches do (including catholicism) because of some basic differences in theology and faith.

4.  David's mind wanders--absent-minded professor is a stereotype that really fits sometimes.  Here is how I usually see this.  We are in the car and I make an observation about something that most people would respond to.  David is not most people.  After a minute or so of silence, I, again, remind him that a reply was expected.  He is jogged back to real time where he, again, apologizes because his mind wandered (much like Walter Mitty) and explains where his train of thought took a detour.  Frustrating for a girl who loves a good conversation but also interesting that someones mind works so differently.  I hope to understand that precious mind more and more as the years go by. 

5.  David's passions are quite simple.  This makes him extremely easy to please and quite predictable.  A nice glass of wine or bottle of beer.  A hearty meal.  A good movie or book.  Marital benefits (*wink, wink).  His loves can get even simpler than that.  He enjoys children's literature and cartoons and winnie the pooh.  It is no wonder that occasionally I feel like I married a small boy rather than the 30 year old that he is.  However, I'm also aware that many men operate that way.   Can't say that I wouldn't mind being surprised by something David says or does but I can say that this predictability and consistency is one of the reasons I married him.  He is a safe and dependable friend.

6.  When I am usually surprised are those times when david is uncommonly funny.  He sometimes makes cracks or jokes that strike me as hilarious.  I never know when it is going to spring up.  I have noticed that when he is with his twin lakes buddies he is funnier than usual.  Also, he is funnier during the summer when he isn't distracted with work and class.  I love hanging out with him when he is really relaxed.  He can be very clever.  Part of the charm of his humor perhaps is that it is unexpected.  He isn't the guy that is always trying to be funny so he has the element of surprise.  Who expects an absent-minded, quiet and serious man to spring a joke on you?  It works. 

So, here are 6 funny things about my funny Valentine for the 6 years we've known each other.  I hope to know him more and more.  I hope to respect and love him more and more.  I'm thankful to our Lord for bringing us together.  No one knows more than our Lord how those idiosyncrasies were well-suited for my own (and there are many--and they aren't always so funny).  Happy Valentine's Day, Beloved.  Here is to knowing each other more with every year!

Hallelujah!

There has been quite a fad of late where seemingly random people in a public place break into song and/or dance in a well rehearsed way.  It, of course, is rigged.  These folks have practiced and assign a time and place and the fun begins.  David and I watched several of these, like the one done at Ole Miss a few years ago.  There was another one we took a moment to watch about a week ago.  I'm tickled by this idea.  I would love to be in that audience--it really would make my day to see this happen.  Or even to orchestrate one. 

We watched this one that took place in the foodcourt of a shopping mall.  As far as I know it was a thousand miles away.  This group began (one person at a time) to sing Handel's Messiah.  At first, we were both tickled by what we saw, as usual.  I'm not sure if it was the thoughts of my sweet father-in-law now passed who loved this song, or if it was that I was seeing the Lord being praised in such a public place but I began to feel moved.  By the last couple of minutes, I was weeping.  I turned to David and he also was full of emotion.  This fun idea turned into a beautiful moment of worship that was joy-filled and somber all at once.  So, I'm pleased to share this with you.

Please note that this is a different video than the one performed at Macy's.  Just in case you already saw that one.

I haven't been that interested in blogging lately.  No reason why, just wanted to get my hands dirty doing other projects, I guess.  I have learned how to knit and have been practicing nightly in front of the t.v.  I love having something to do with my hands and it is so relaxing.  I have a few sewing projects up my sleeve as well.  Can you use the same pattern for different size clothing?  Anyway, I'll figure it out.  David and I are also looking to tile our kitchen backsplash in the most affordable, yet good-looking way possible.  We want to try it ourselves but are a little afraid of how it might turn out.  We get more motivated when we learn that we are saving up to 500 dollars just to install.  That is not counting the cost of the actual tile and other materials.   Ick.  We also have some electrical work that needs to get finished.  Awhile back I installed undercabinet lighting but have not finished the wiring.  Why?  Well, I nearly electrocuted myself when I spliced some wires (according to the directions) and plugged it in.  So, I'm a little trigger shy now.  I suppose all these projects are motivating me now that I have some nesting hormones lurking in me.  We still need to fix the part of our roof that has been having drainage issues and has led to rodents taking up residence in our attic (again!)   As you can see, lots of projects.  There are more that I haven't even listed.  I'm excited to see them get done, one by one. 

Another project I've started is a Christmas scrapbook.  I wanted to compile (in a cutesy, scrapbook-y fashion) an album of all our christmas cards and letters.  I'm working on 2007 presently. 

One of my classes didn't make this semester so I'm just teaching on mondays.  David's class through UF appears to be easier/less time-consuming than usual with no papers or tests just weekly homework that seems less hard.  I'm not sure if the work is easier or if david is just getting faster and better at translating his latin texts.  He is still excited about what he is learning, though. 

David Jr. is adorable.  He is my destructive little boy who wants to grab, throw down, climb anything that is around.  Mama has to be quick to get him off our desks, and out of the dog food container.  He probably needs more outside time but I am too too cold to step one toe out.  So, we've been rather cooped up and yes, it is self-inflicted.  I don't like the bitter cold of jan. and feb.  

Well, it is time for me to take my freshly napped, and lunched toddler to the grocery store with me.  I only have so much time before he starts to fall apart.  So, I'll venture out into the cold only because we have to eat.  Maybe I'll write more later.

the grumpy old lady is dying

The faithful Lord is showing me some things about my family and myself.  I am so thankful to be shown for I can't work to change what is still in darkness.  That's why secret sins remain just that--secret sins.  They never get put to death.  What is also particularly funny (but in a weird way and not in a "ha ha" way) is that I probably would not have been aware of this issue if I had not dealt with anxiety.  My anxiety has me seeking good and positive in all the things I do, see, and hear.  I am especially sensitive to negativity now.  I also find that I am surrounded by friends and in-laws who are quite gracious and positive which makes it easier.  However, sometimes I find myself with someone (we all know folks like this--in fact, I might be that person that you know) who does nothing but complain.  Or who has nothing good or positive to report.  Or who seem to even take joy in the struggles that others find themselves in.  I never ever noticed it before but I surely notice it now.  People I have known my whole life strike me now as very negative.  It is quite burdensome.  I have to tell myself--things are probably not as bad as they are stating.  Speaking as a recovering pessimist (i used to call myself a realist--what a laugh!)  it is very easy to focus on all the bad things or hassles that happen in a day.  Oh, and what food for my negativity when there really was bad news.  That kind of news just fit into my worldview that said "Life stinks--just deal!"  However, it is very difficult to be negative or to complain when there is a thankful heart.  And that is my weapon.  I hold to the Spirit who has promised to complete the good work in me and bear the fruit of joy in my heart.  I take hold of the promise that there is life and hope in Christ, even in a world where coexists pain, struggle and death.  These words of my Lord are life.   Complaining and thankfulness rarely happen together.  And a gentle reminder to those who find themselves being "realists" --just as there is always something to complain about, there is always something to be thankful for.  Which would you rather focus on?

Another reason I am convicted about this is because I see that as you get older the reasons to complain get longer.  Afterall, you body will eventually die out.  It betrays you sooner or later, slowly or fast.  If I don't work on the habit of thankfulness now, then when I am old, no one will want to be around me.  I don't want to be that grumpy old lady that people avoid.  I want to be cheerful, gracious and godly.  I look to my mother-in-law as a great example of this.  She is gracious and never complains.  Mrs. Hogue is the anti-thesis of the grumpy old lady I mentioned earlier.  I'm thankful for such an example.

Fortunately, pessimism is learned.  Therefore, I plan to unlearn it.  In its place, I hope to learn thankfulness.  Not a superficial thankfulness--y'know, not just lipservice.  But a true outspringing contentment and joy from my heart.  Habits can be broken and new habits can replace them.  Isn't that reason enough for joy and thankfulness?  We aren't stuck!  We aren't doomed!  We can resolve (with the Lord's transforming grace) to change!  Yes!

latest project

A few saturdays ago was the annual La Leche League picnic.  I was placed in charge of food and fliers.  In the past, an event like this with me in charge of something would be stressful.  I would feel nervous about what everyone would think about the event and whether people thought I did a good job.  And really--I didn't want people to think I did a good job.  I wanted people to think I did the best job EVER!  Well, I probably don't need to say, that with those kinds of hopes, the pressure is turned up.  A few years ago, I realized that when we had anyone over, or a party or anything I would feel stress and pressure which would lead to irritability.  I  didn't think this was the way it was supposed to be.  So, some soul-searching unveiled that this pattern of emotions involved with entertaining was actually learned.  So, how am I un-learning it?  I've begun to draw the line between entertaining and hospitality.  My sweet friend and one-time mentor, Mrs. Jeannette Olps, explained that entertaining centers around making things look hard and hospitality doesn't need that.  Hospitality was serving others and not on making a beautifully themed dinner party.  Not that I ever succeeded in that.  What would usually happen is amongst all the ideas that overwhelmed me I ended up going for manageable.  Originally, I wanted people to marvel at my work on the food and how clean and beautiful my house was, etc.  Now, I just want a good time with friends.  I've had lots of great examples to look to in hospitality over the years.  The Frey family that "adopted" me while away at college would have me over all the time after Sunday church.  They fixed a delicious but simple meal but it was so easy.  No red carpet was rolled out, and no one seemed to stress over there being enough food for us.  So relaxed and so nice.  I've been to friends' houses where kids toys were everywhere--and kids for that matter.  Food was presented casually but the conversation was rich!  So, as I have had people over, I would remind myself often that the point is not to impress but to be hospitable.  The point is enjoying time together and not "making it look hard".  I love it when people make it look easy.  A simple soup.  A chili.  Sandwiches.  It is enough to make me feel welcome.