bittersweetness

Life goes on as usual in the Hogue household. Cora leaves destruction and laughs (and sometimes groans) in her wake. She found cork board that I had lying around and the next time I went upstairs bits of cork covered our floors. What's sad was that we were both so busy that we left it there for a couple of days- we just stepped over it. I'm teaching 5 extra classes lately to cover for a faculty member whose been out because of health issues. But as life carries on for us in the normal way our hearts go out to my cousin Tony and his family as they deal with some of the best and worst things life can hand you. He is on hospice care after almost two years of battling an aggressive and rare cancer of the kidney (which has spread to several areas, including the lungs). Those of you who don't know him--I wish you did. He is a fun loving guy, with a safe and corny sense of humor. He's never afraid of making fun of himself. But at the same time he has heart. He listens to people with interest and care. People feel loved around him. He is also very sensible and resourceful. He'll do the craziest things but at the same time he has pragmatic way that tells you his craziest risk is calculated. He's a great mind with a great heart. He is the guy that plays a fierce game of rollerhockey, that will quit his job to travel in a van (BETSY!!!!) to see the last frontier, that will buy a homeless man a sleeping bag b/c it is getting cold outside, he'll write letters to our government to help open eyes about injustices going on around the world. I've never met anyone like him. I admire him for so many things. As he suffers, he speaks of the blessings he has been given. He is thankful for time (he got way more than anyone thought-Praise God), for his wife who has been faithful, persevering, caring, and wonderful, and his kids who are the apple of his eye. He has been given a beautiful family, caring friends and coworkers. Had he not suffered from cancer, I don't think he would have known how much people loved him (its sad that it takes disaster to see how much a person is valued).

As he suffers, I wonder where his heart is. I wonder how the Lord is making Himself present to him. I wonder what I could say, if anything, that could add comfort. What do you say to someone who has experienced something that you haven't yet? There is something in me that wants to go on and on to him about how wonderful and beautiful life will be when he is reunited with Jesus, his Savior (yes, he is a believer) but is that what someone wants to hear? needs to hear? Does he need to know that his kids will be taken care of and loved? Do I tell him that I am praying for them? Do I give him space? All I really feel safe to do at this point is pray and love on him from afar. I think doing anything else might be intrusive or exhausting for him. I wish I just knew, like I know how to walk, how to make it better, easier, smoother for him as he walks this road. Words seem like never enough. I want hug him and just sit there with him. Listen to him. Serve him.

I have my own emotions that I am wading through. I wonder why the Lord is doing it. And though I have theories, I am sure that what the Lord is planning is a far more superior work in progress--a far more complex plan than I can imagine...yet I hate it. I hate seeing so many people, not just Tony, hurt. I've talked often with the Lord about it. I don't understand it, and I worry a lot about how Tony's illness and possible death would affect my family. I know the Lord to be a loving Father who watches over his children with tenderness and gentility. I want my family to know Him this way too. A big fear that I sit with is that this cancer that plagued such a great person (that is highly regarded member of our family) will harden people's hearts against the Lord who loves them dearly. I can't instill in them the kind of faith I wish they had. All I can do is pray that this will draw them closer to Him, that they can be comforted by Him. Ultimately I can trust that the Lord knows what he is doing. "Trust the Lord and lean not on your own understanding...."

All of this has caused me to meditate on suffering a great deal...but that is another blog. May the Lord be blessing you through whatever trials you are enduring.