A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I was at a house where lots of people were. Most of those people were not family but people who are somehow connected to family and David Sr. Besides the moment in the dream where there were loose cows and lions around that everyone was trying to capture without being eaten (give that analysis your best shot!), I spent the dream trying to hide away from all those people. Most of the time, for a reason that was unclear to me, I felt full-blown rage. Y'know, the kind of anger that comes when something happens that was unjust and yet out of your control. I was also on the verge of tears from feeling of hurt.
When I woke up, my neck muscles were on the verge of a spasm (treated with ben-jay and advil) and as if my body was trying to relax from the anger I had in the dream. It was interesting to see how much my dream, which didn't make much sense, affected my body in reality. That evening I was telling David about the dream and were contemplating if there were some new stressors in my life that might have led to an intense dream. The only thing that came to me was that David went back to work on Tuesday. Yet, the Saturday before was when he actually "left". David has a work mode that takes over and I know that once it shows up the vacation is over. He feels his work hanging over his head. He works to balance this with family time but I can tell that he is not present or enjoying himself b/c of these tasks that steal his attention. I was disappointed that even though we still had a few days before he had to go back to work, he was already in 'work mode'. As I was telling him this, some emotions that were an echo of what I felt in my dream surfaced. That was it. I have a small part of me that feels abandoned when David goes into 'work mode'. David and I both know that family is first yet I sometimes feel second with how much attention he gives work.
This isn't a post blaming david. This isn't a post blaming me, either. This is just a post about how these parts find a way to express what is there. Dormant emotions are not within a vacuum. They effect. They move. They stagnate, fester, and infect. The more intense the emotion and the further down it is buried, the harder it is to heal. I think of those clients of mine who were afraid to tap into the emotions that stemmed from pain long ago. They handled it the best they could long ago but it has not aired out. Those feelings don't disappear. They needed a voice. They needed an advocate. When they did not have one, they turned to other things to numb the pain in hopes of it going away.
I'm amazed with how connected the mind and body are. I'm also amazed with how complex people are with all of their individual experiences, memories, and genetic makeup. It was interesting (rather than disturbing) to my dream give me some insight into some emotions that I had not given any attention to.
Then again, maybe I shouldn't read the Hunger Games series before bed...
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