2012, what do you have in store?

I've made it no secret that I've struggled with anxiety on this blog.  Besides, most of you who read it, I have already told.  One of the downsides of anxiety (are there upsides?? Actually, yes but I don't have the time to talk about that tonight seeing as it is a half-hour until my toddler is getting a bath)  is that it can lead me away from times of reflection.  On first reading this, this sounds negative.  Sometimes, it is.  Sometimes, it keeps me from meditating on the Word before the Lord.   However, it can also be said that I reflect or navel-gaze far too much so a break from such things is only good for me.  Both are true. 

Last night, being the last night of 2011 always brings reflection.  There are shows all over the networks that want to outline the events of the past year.  Ideally, I would spend time reflecting on my own year (good and bad) while praying over our new year, with some goals in mind.  It was hard for me to do, however.  I had a little more anxiety than usual last night so thoughts of the possibilities of 2012 seemed scary rather than hopeful.  In order to prevent further anxious thoughts, I just put my time of reflection on the shelf for a time. 

Christian women strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman.  I certainly fall short since I wasn't "laughing at the time to come" (Prov. 31:25).  Rather, I was visualizing for brief moments all the bad things that could be in store for us.  Sickness?  Loss of job? More anxiety? Death of a loved one? Financial crisis?  Don't worry.  My perspective isn't always skewed to the negative.  I am humbled by how much room there is for my faith to grow.  Perhaps, I never fully recovered from trauma of the unexpected bout with panic attacks.  It was a blow I didn't see coming.  I love the Lord but I certainly am a little more fearful of his next move.  Shall I fear the Lord who brought such growth and blessing to me and my family?  I fear the future but it would be wise of me to reflect on my past.  In seeing how blessed I have been, I will then feel sure that the Lord has nothing but good planned for me (in various packages).  Anxiety at its worst was horrible.  My bigger fears is of its return.  Nonetheless, even in that point of despair, I had extreme blessings beyond understanding.  The Lord intervened in up close and personal ways for me at the worst parts.  I remember that David went to work and I was on the bed crying and crying.  I felt out of control and scared because of it.  I didn't know what to do and I was calling for help to the Lord in my mind.  In that moment, a friend called and said she was in town and wanted to stop by.  I needed a friend to ground me in that moment.  Another blessing was having a husband understand in a real way what was happening to me.  I obsessed over whether I was losing my mind and yet David would remind me endlessly that I wasn't.  He knew because he had gone through his own experience with panic.  Anyone else would have lost patience with me and would have become fed up with my insecurity, fear, and neediness?  Our first trial of marriage was my anxiety and it hit us early on (like within a couple weeks of marriage) and it forced a trust in my husband and a chance to see his metal that I would not have had for a long while on my own.  The Lord allowed this time of sifting for me but not without support.  He sent me a husband who would be exactly what I needed through such a dark time.   All this to say, the Lord was still good through my suffering.  Alright, so i did have time to talk about the good that came from my struggle with anxiety.

This brings me to 2012.  Can I trust the Lord through those dark times that are sure to come (in different skins)?  I don't always feel trusting but I must choose to.  Still there?? Are ya'll still reading??  Because I am really just talking to myself.  Do you preach to yourself?  I often don't have the attention span to do this in my head but when I get the chance to write it down it often looks like this post.  I start with full honesty and then reason through my real emotions and experiences through the grid of God's truth.  So, there you go.  2012--I may not like you.  I may hate you.  However, there will be good things to glean from you because the Lord said so.