wonder woman, she-ra, or charlie's angel

I realized later in life that I was/am a weenie.  This isn't self-deprecating talk or "Woe is me" type chatter.  In fact, I liked realizing there was a distinct and large part of me that was tender (painfully so, sometimes), sensitive (poke me and will I not say 'Ow'?), and often overcome with feelings of powerlessness.  I'm not someone who thinks "Hmmm, there is something wrong with this system.  I can change that!" (emphasis on the "I").  These parts in me shy away from a competition, will avoid conflict like the plague, and cry if someone yells at me.  I like these parts because it took some time and the wisdom of some wonderful people to help me feel safe showing these soft tender spots of mine.  Not only was there beauty in revealing these parts but in accepting them.  I saw that it was ok to be vulnerable (though not always comfortable or easy) and it was ok to cry (though I tended toward doing it privately).

Long ago, these parts for some reason must have buried themselves within due to not feeling safe enough to express them.  When I was young, I got the message this it was not ok to be weak.  Weak people were teased.  Weak people were unpopular.  Weak people were excluded.  Unfortunately, that meant that those parts of me needed to be locked away for only a few people.  What took their place were very tough parts.  I believe that as these things were happening I was engrossed in shows such as WonderWoman, She-Ra, and Charlie's Angels.  You don't need to be a shrink to know what these three shows have in common (besides sex appeal).  These women were powerful.  They kicked a**!  They had all the right moves, asserted themselves and were beautiful to boot.  Oh, to be one of these women!  I wanted to be tough.  I wanted to show no mercy.  I wanted to show the world that I was not someone to mess with.  This tough girl walked around the school halls with a scowl on her face so much so that when I realized that I didn't need "tough girl" anymore I had to practice relaxing my furrowed brows.  This tough girl didn't give an inch in fear of someone taking advantage of her and hurting those deeper sensitive parts.  If you were a boy, and I liked you, than you would certainly be the last to figure it out because I treated you like slime.  (sorry, all you past crushes!  I should have been nicer to you.)

For the most part, I am at peace with my soft parts AND my tough parts.  The former is who God made me.  He uses those parts to connect with other people's soft parts.  The latter served the purpose of protecting those fleshy parts of me with an armor of sorts.  An armor that I don't depend on as heavily.  Sure, it comes out.  Instead of looking vicious and angry, it looks confident and grounded.  I'm ok with that.  People can approach confident and grounded.  I want to be approachable now.  I'm not afraid of "those people" as much.  I see other's human-ness and can connect it with my own (remember: soft spots!)  

I have gone through periods of mourning that I ever needed those tough parts.  Or that the tough parts had to be so...well, tough.  We all need some protective skins but mine was that of an alligator.  I kept the "bad people' away but I'm pretty sure that I kept a lot of good people away too.  I just wasn't willing to take the risk when I was younger.  Yet, there is a time for mourning and that is ok.  Over the past 20 years or so, the Lord has shown me much.  Tenderly.  Gently.  Sweetly.  He romanced me to the point where I could allow the risk of pain for the wealth of having love (of Himself, of friends, of a husband).  It is a sweet story, really.  I welcome my weaknesses more and more.  I certainly wouldn't have written this post if I had not.  I enjoy being the girl--feminine and soft-hearted.  I also like having a bit of sass to spice that girl up. 

"well, have we got a show for you!"

I was not a Christian growing up.  So, as my kids are little there are very few songs that I know that are about Jesus or bible stories.  When Judah got baptized, my MIL gave us a Veggie Tales video that we already had.  So, I bounced on over to Lifeway where Mrs. Hogue bought it and exchanged it for a Veggie Tales music CD of toddler songs.  A few months later, I got a Christmas Veggie Tales CD because I was anticipating the holiday season.  Also, we bought David a sunday school songs Veggie Tales CD as one of his Christmas presents.  We listen to VT nonstop in our van.  David asks for it before he is even buckled in.  We take very few breaks from it.  Therefore, I am learning some great songs.  We aren't talking profound theology bound in a solemn song (love those, too!) but short and easy songs that encapsulate a simple story (battle of jericho) or worshipful sentiment (God is great).

Some pretty deep thoughts come to me as I hear these simple songs, though.  They are not devoid of wisdom.  As I hear these simple but core truths of our faith with my tot, I think of how simple a child's faith is.  Isn't that what Christ taught about--faith like a child!  It is rather amazing that a child will trust his parents so wholly.  So, for us to trust the Lord, our Father, with that kind of trust is indeed reason to rejoice!  Nitpicking over certain theology does not matter in childlike faith.  There is no room for it.  It is merely "I am His; and He is mine" and "He loves me and I trust Him."  Questioning the depth of someone's faith because they are pro infant baptism or against seems like not seeing the forest for the trees.  I like theology.  Love it, probably.  How can I not and be presbyterian?  However, the older I get, the more I see past the theology and look at the heart.  What pleases the Lord?  An acute knowledge of systematic theology or a soft heart for our neighbors?  Does it please the Lord to recite the catechism more than to be humble when others treat you unjustly?  Knowledge can be good and knowing the catechism can be helpful but it certainly is not all...not even close.  Afterall, " We know that “We all possess knowledge.” But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.  Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know." (1Corinthians 8:1)

A simple faith is all the Jesus requires.  He calls many who can't do simple math.  He loves those who are far from doing an indepth analysis of scripture.  Isn't He gracious to give us all His Holy Spirit to help our souls understand the deep mysteries that are elusive to even the greatest minds?  He will lift up those simple minded children of His in the last day!  My heart can barely hold it together thinking about such joy!  My heart just may burst!

try this one out

Another weird dream.  I was in Disney world where there was a ride that was chocolate-themed.  If you have gone to Disney, you know that rides typically will end or start and end in a gift shop.  That is why they are marketing geniuses.  In my dream, you walked into a Swiss looking building where all kinds of beautifully shaped chocolates where on display in glass cases.  There were workers giving samples as you walked around the museum part of the building.  The ride was gondola-like through a history of chocolate of all sorts.  It also was meant to feel as if you are traveling through a world made of chocolate (think; Willy Wonka's chocolate factory without as much whimsy and weirdness).  What is funny about this dream is that I have had it before.  It was the same imagery and idea.

How many of you are craving chocolate right now? 

dream reflecting life

A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I was at a house where lots of people were.  Most of those people were not family but people who are somehow connected to family and David Sr.  Besides the moment in the dream where there were loose cows and lions around that everyone was trying to capture without being eaten (give that analysis your best shot!), I spent the dream trying to hide away from all those people.  Most of the time, for a reason that was unclear to me, I felt full-blown rage.  Y'know, the kind of anger that comes when something happens that was unjust and yet out of your control.  I was also on the verge of tears from feeling of hurt. 

When I woke up, my neck muscles were on the verge of a spasm  (treated with ben-jay and advil) and as if my body was trying to relax from the anger I had in the dream.  It was interesting to see how much my dream, which didn't make much sense, affected my body in reality.  That evening I was telling David about the dream and were contemplating if there were some new stressors in my life that might have led to an intense dream.  The only thing that came to me was that David went back to work on Tuesday.  Yet, the Saturday before was when he actually "left".  David has a work mode that takes over and I know that once it shows up the vacation is over.  He feels his work hanging over his head.  He works to balance this with family time but I can tell that he is not present or enjoying himself b/c of these tasks that steal his attention.  I was disappointed that even though we still had a few days before he had to go back to work, he was already in 'work mode'.  As I was telling him this, some emotions that were an echo of what I felt in my dream surfaced.  That was it.  I have a small part of me that feels abandoned when David goes into 'work mode'.  David and I both know that family is first yet I sometimes feel second with how much attention he gives work. 

This isn't a post blaming david.  This isn't a post blaming me, either.  This is just a post about how these parts find a way to express what is there.  Dormant emotions are not within a vacuum.  They effect.  They move.  They stagnate, fester, and infect.  The more intense the emotion and the further down it is buried, the harder it is to heal.  I think of those clients of mine who were afraid to tap into the emotions that stemmed from pain long ago.  They handled it the best they could long ago but it has not aired out.  Those feelings don't disappear.  They needed a voice.  They needed an advocate.  When they did not have one, they turned to other things to numb the pain in hopes of it going away. 

I'm amazed with how connected the mind and body are.  I'm also amazed with how complex people are with all of their individual experiences, memories, and genetic makeup.  It was interesting (rather than disturbing) to my dream give me some insight into some emotions that I had not given any attention to.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't read the Hunger Games series before bed...

a moment to ponder

I have a moment to write while the baby is asleep and david watches a cartoon.  I've done a couple of chores and I'm fully capable of turning my attention to a blog post.  ....Hmmm...what should I write about...?  Parenting?  Don't feel like going there. I always feel like broaching that subject takes a shot of whiskey and reckless abandonment with full armor. Should I get spiritual and talk about what is going on with my relationship with the Lord?  Good stuff but I don't know that I feel like being that serious right now.  I could post some pics of my children but I'm too lazy to upload them on the PC right now.  I am always aware of my audience as I write these things.  I am aware that with ANYTHING I write I open myself up to scrutiny and perhaps, criticism.  My opinions (given less and less with every year) can be divisive.  "Being Guitta" means that I will have opinions but I don't have to share those things if it means someone else will feel hurt by them or get defensive.  On the other hand, I cannot control ONE BIT how people will respond to anything I say.  I could say, "The moon is beautiful" and someone could silently accuse me of all manner of stupidity like "You hate the sun!" or "You are so dark and goth!" It is a stupid example to show that I can't stop speaking altogether for fear of offending someone.  I often want to walk the middle line rather than take a stand on any topic when I am with others, ESPECIALLY when I know the topic to be one of personal conviction and not moral obligation.  Still, I can't control what others see as an issue of morals (right and wrong) versus a decision a based on a person's own individuality.  So, where should graciousness (silence) end and speaking up for truth begin?  Ok, if you aren't dizzy yet then let me finish the job. 

It seems to all come down to wisdom and love...or in order of priority--love and wisdom.  I have (as have all of us) endured criticism--some of it outright and some of it subtle (not sure which is worse).  Rather than turn the actual issue that is bugging someone into a place where I need to pick a side, bear arms, and defend my lines it would be loving and wise to remember where they are coming from and be patient with their approach.  Do I have to agree with them in order to love them or be a peacekeeper?  NO!  I can still hold on to who I am, what I believe (or know in some cases), and feel good about my decisions.  In my mind, I sense a constant pull between not offending others and not being superficial but honest on this blog.  With God's wisdom and love perhaps I will balance this well.  Then again, if this blog offends you, you certainly don't have to read it....

activities that align with "Being Guitta"

I have begun a list of activities that I enjoy.  One of those items is making lists, actually.  Lists help me clear the clutter in my brain and helps me feel organized.  According to research, clutter can decrease happiness.  It makes sense to me.  On my desktop of this laptop, I have five lists going.  I am pretty sure where this list-making gene came from.  Yes, you, Dad.  :)  It is a satisfying chore because it requires little physical labor and yet offers a feeling of organization.  (see: Pinterest.com)  I have lists of products that appeal to me.  Why?  I want to remember these objects when I have the money to spend on them.  Otherwise, I won't remember and then I'll buy a shirt and hit my forehead (*ouch) when I realize "Shoot! I needed a roasting pan."  I have lists of projects around the house that I would like to start or complete.  I probably add more than I cross out.  *Sigh*  I have lists of things to do when my parents come into town.  I have a list of Christmas gifts we bought for folks (with lots of love) just to make sure we stay within our budget.  I love lists!

book plug

I have been a member, albeit a silent member, of a book club.  The first book that we read was the bestseller called "The Happiness Project".  It rode on the wave of books that were written to document a year-long experience (see The Year of Living Biblically, Julie and Julia, and Eat, Pray, Love).  According to the author, Gretchen Rubin, she was a lawyer (clerked for supreme court judge, Sandra Day O'Connor) and realized that, though she wasn't unhappy, she could increase her quality of life greatly.  She did research (which apparently is her gift) on happiness and it was rather enlightening.  The research wasn't enlightening but that she took it to heart and than aligned several personal resolutions in order to increase her own happiness.  By increasing her own happiness she would thereby increase the happiness of those around her.  Also, research shows that when you feel happy you do good and when you do good you feel happy.  Pretty true and obvious but she was working to live it.  It does sound selfish upon first thought but her resolutions are about making improvements to herself that only benefit others in turn. 

This book inspired me.  The ideas freed me up to pursue goals more proactively and thoughtfully.  A few points that stood out to me that i would like to share are:

*Be Gretchen...um...I mean Guitta.  Gretchen came back to this point again and again.  Her interests are not someone else's and vice versa.  It resonated with me that there are activities and interests that I think are good and cool to like but aren't something that I truly enjoy.  There are lots of things that I wish I was interested in but would not be true to who I am.  I think it would be a very intellectual and cool thing if I were to travel to exotic places, experiencing different parts of the globe.  However, when I am honest with myself I'm not sure that I would enjoy it that much.  I enjoy the conveniences of my small piece of the world.  I've travelled enough to get it out of my system for now.  I don't yearn to travel like so many cool people do.  Global travel doesn't excite me but national travel does.  I am being me. (Stretching and trying new things is also a resolution of Gretchen's, too).

*Things you enjoyed at 10 years old are probably pretty similar to what makes you happy today.  Her example was she enjoyed cutting and gluing from magazines onto blank books.  She began to do similar projects, in grown up versions, that she enjoyed. 

This is just a very small sample of what is in store for the reader.  I hope you pick it up.  Tell me what you think, if you do.

2012, what do you have in store?

I've made it no secret that I've struggled with anxiety on this blog.  Besides, most of you who read it, I have already told.  One of the downsides of anxiety (are there upsides?? Actually, yes but I don't have the time to talk about that tonight seeing as it is a half-hour until my toddler is getting a bath)  is that it can lead me away from times of reflection.  On first reading this, this sounds negative.  Sometimes, it is.  Sometimes, it keeps me from meditating on the Word before the Lord.   However, it can also be said that I reflect or navel-gaze far too much so a break from such things is only good for me.  Both are true. 

Last night, being the last night of 2011 always brings reflection.  There are shows all over the networks that want to outline the events of the past year.  Ideally, I would spend time reflecting on my own year (good and bad) while praying over our new year, with some goals in mind.  It was hard for me to do, however.  I had a little more anxiety than usual last night so thoughts of the possibilities of 2012 seemed scary rather than hopeful.  In order to prevent further anxious thoughts, I just put my time of reflection on the shelf for a time. 

Christian women strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman.  I certainly fall short since I wasn't "laughing at the time to come" (Prov. 31:25).  Rather, I was visualizing for brief moments all the bad things that could be in store for us.  Sickness?  Loss of job? More anxiety? Death of a loved one? Financial crisis?  Don't worry.  My perspective isn't always skewed to the negative.  I am humbled by how much room there is for my faith to grow.  Perhaps, I never fully recovered from trauma of the unexpected bout with panic attacks.  It was a blow I didn't see coming.  I love the Lord but I certainly am a little more fearful of his next move.  Shall I fear the Lord who brought such growth and blessing to me and my family?  I fear the future but it would be wise of me to reflect on my past.  In seeing how blessed I have been, I will then feel sure that the Lord has nothing but good planned for me (in various packages).  Anxiety at its worst was horrible.  My bigger fears is of its return.  Nonetheless, even in that point of despair, I had extreme blessings beyond understanding.  The Lord intervened in up close and personal ways for me at the worst parts.  I remember that David went to work and I was on the bed crying and crying.  I felt out of control and scared because of it.  I didn't know what to do and I was calling for help to the Lord in my mind.  In that moment, a friend called and said she was in town and wanted to stop by.  I needed a friend to ground me in that moment.  Another blessing was having a husband understand in a real way what was happening to me.  I obsessed over whether I was losing my mind and yet David would remind me endlessly that I wasn't.  He knew because he had gone through his own experience with panic.  Anyone else would have lost patience with me and would have become fed up with my insecurity, fear, and neediness?  Our first trial of marriage was my anxiety and it hit us early on (like within a couple weeks of marriage) and it forced a trust in my husband and a chance to see his metal that I would not have had for a long while on my own.  The Lord allowed this time of sifting for me but not without support.  He sent me a husband who would be exactly what I needed through such a dark time.   All this to say, the Lord was still good through my suffering.  Alright, so i did have time to talk about the good that came from my struggle with anxiety.

This brings me to 2012.  Can I trust the Lord through those dark times that are sure to come (in different skins)?  I don't always feel trusting but I must choose to.  Still there?? Are ya'll still reading??  Because I am really just talking to myself.  Do you preach to yourself?  I often don't have the attention span to do this in my head but when I get the chance to write it down it often looks like this post.  I start with full honesty and then reason through my real emotions and experiences through the grid of God's truth.  So, there you go.  2012--I may not like you.  I may hate you.  However, there will be good things to glean from you because the Lord said so. 

thanksgiving 2011

Honestly,  Thanksgiving was always my least favorite holiday.  Growing up this day was just an excuse to get together with family.  I looked forward to hanging out with my cousins but the day itself was just another day off from school.  The last few years that has changed for me.  I love that there is a season on our calendars dedicated to being grateful.  It is very obvious that many people do not take advantage of this time to think on those things that they are thankful for.  I was one of those people.  Now, I LOVE it.  In fact, this year I plan on forcing my relatives at my parent's house to tell us at least one thing they are thankful for.  They don't know this yet though so I hope no one embittered with life hates me for requesting they think thankful thoughts.  I am thankful for so much.  The good Lord has shown me so much about thankfulness and contentment.  We are NOT to wait for our circumstances or the people around us to be perfect before we are thankful for them.  We are to look for those blessings within others and life that are there and pointing to the God who gave them so graciously and cheerfully.  They are there but you must recognize them.  Yes, this can be hard.  I came across the verse the other day that says, "Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name." (Hebrews 13:15).  Praise can be hard.  Praise can feel as though I am lying through my teeth.  My heart can be grieved or angry and to praise God in the midst of that is what feels like torture.  To choose to see the blessings in the midst of trial can be difficult, to say the least.  Yet, those blessings exist.  They exist in the circumstances of life which for us are laboring day and night caring for our little ones and pouring ourselves into them while working to keep a roof over our head and food on our table.  They exist in the people we meet and live with.  That person that turns you off has the image of God within them.  They are valuable.  Broken, but valuable.  Do you choose to rejoice over that image within them or complain in your heart about their flaws?  Ok, so let me steer away from my preachiness to tell you what I am so very thankful for this year. 

(1) I've been married for over 5 years to a man that acts more like Jesus than any other person I have ever met.  I admire him more than words can express.  I have changed and grown through his daily example to me of patience and kindness.  (I was worse than this 5 yrs ago  :))

(2) My two boys have filled my heart with so much AWE!  I am in awe that I have the privilege to care for these two precious people.  I am in awe of how they grow and love and learn.  I am in awe of how I enjoy motherhood.

(3) I am continually thankful to see the Lord meet our needs financially.  Sometimes it is tight.  Sometimes it isn't.  But either way, He has cared for us whether it be through a timely check or some savvy grocery spending or generous parents. 

(4) I am thankful for internet and television.  I realize what is a vice for many is hardly a virtue.  But it has given me distraction from those thoughts that loom and threaten to overwhelm me.  I can't help but feel grateful for it.

(5) I am unbelieveably thankful for new friends that I've made through a couple of groups I got involved with.  They are a daily dose of support, encouragement, and laughter.  Thank you,  AP, Redeemer, and LLLadies. 

I hope all of you find yourself with not enough time in the day to list all things that you are thankful for.  It is a good place to be.

"I long for transformation"

Jo of Little Women is the one who says that (in the movie, anyway.  I read the book 3x but I don't remember if those particular words were there).  I find myself longing for similar things.  Then again, I've always identified with Jo.  She was the awkward, less than frilly girl who would rather hang with the boys than be dainty and demure.  Adventurous and a visionary is what she was.  Her hair was her "one true beauty".  She was rough around the edges but passionate about life.  I can relate to all of these.  Her struggle throughout her early years was finding her place--finding where her gifts were best suited.  She thought it would be in writing that great novel but in the end it came in educating alongside her professor husband (seeing the similarities yet??) a group of boarding children.  FYI:  Little Men is an excellent book about those boys. 

I am where I could never imagine I would be.  I am married with children.  I am content here.  I am in awe of the beauty of this calling that motherhood is.  I get to fall in love with this man that I marry.  We grow in sync and become the "bestest" of friends.  We have babies and I get to fall in love all over again.  I'm amazed at how beautiful it all is.  This is my primary calling at this point and the Lord is using this stage of life to teach me so much.  I see the fruit of the spirit that I lack and am seeing how I daily need His sustenance to bring about the needed gentleness, patience, and self-control with my children.  There is a lot of messing up going on; therefore, a bunch of repentence and forgiveness. 

Even with this hard and wonderful calling of motherhood, I find myself wanting to be creative.  I want to use my hands and brain.  If I don't get to, I begin to wither.  It refreshes me to do such things.  I dream of taking creativity to new heights.  I wonder how this desire can be used in God's kingdom.  My prideful heart wants it used in big ways where many are affected and influenced but lately I think my circle of influence is small.  Meaningful but small.  It is SO good for me.  If I were to have the sphere of influence that I want- there will be a whole load of other issues that will come with it.  I am looking for ways to use my gifts in new ways--ways that I can effectively accomplish with my primary tasks as well as encourage or inspire others (just one person is enough). 

I'm thankful that the Lord is most effectual in using His chidren's gifts.  He doesn't want them wasted.  He may give our gifts a hiatus but only to further refine them and perfect us.  So, I will wait to see how the Lord will continue to use me in my small sphere of influence.  Transformation will come, but as with dear Jo, it will likely come in a package I do not expect.