*pop*

that is the sound of my bubble popping. it is the sound of the spell being broken. I grew up believing that the men (there were mostly men back then) with the white coats and stethoscopes had the last say on all things. they told you matter-of-factly what was wrong with you and gave you a medicine to fix it--very Norman Rockwell.

my ideas about the medical community are less than idealistic now. I'm so glad for that. It would appear that doctors don't know everything. Now--that is obvious, isn't it? But a lot of us still live in the culture that will trust the doctor to tell how to raise our kids as if they have the corner on the market on wise parenting. I now question (in my heart and mind) just about everything that they say. Ok, not everything but a lot. These folks need accountability. I want people to realize that just because the doctor said doesn't mean that it is true. VERIFY your information. Get a second opinion, for goodness sake.

I have been fortunate to have a beautiful nursing experience with both of my boys. This success in breastfeeding was in spite of my pediatrician rather than because of him. This well-meaning and very kind doctor had ancient information about nursing that, I imagine, hurt a lot of new mother's nursing experience. His inaccurate information (nurse for only 15 minutes because that is all he needs) lessened my milk supply and caused my son to stop gaining weight (of ultra importance since he was a preemie). He didn't understand the mechanics of breastfeeding. Many doctors don't, esp. those educated earlier than a few years ago. Recently, a woman in MS was told that her breastmilk was second to formula. WHAT??? This was a woman who had a good nursing relationship already going with her 12 wk. old.  It isn't like he was trying to tell her that to alleviate any momma-guilt.  That information is false and stems from a very outdated misconception dating back to the 50's.

So, pediatricians do not need to give parenting advice. Just fix my sick kid and we are good. OBGYN's and hospitals should stop dictating what a mama should do with her birthing experience (unless there is a high risk). There is so much information and research out there about what makes for a healthy and good birthing experience and it usually doesn't require as much intervention as some hospitals (or all if you are in mississippi) want to give you. Why do they want to give it? liability and greed (or is being afraid of being liable also greed?).

There are so many "booby traps" in place in hosptials that make it easy for a mama to quit trying breastfeeding. Hospitals (and obviously the formula companies) are too quick to offer formula to a mom who is frustrated b/c she is feeding her baby every hour. Why is she frustrated? Likely because some unknowing nurse or doctor told her that she should be feeding her baby only every 2 or 3 hours. that is also wrong--that is what you do for formula fed babies who take longer to digest their food. Because breastmilk is so easily digestible by the baby's tummy they need to eat more frequently. But now mama thinks she isn't producing enough milk to fill her baby so she starts supplementing with formula. The pain of nursing is also something that can be helped and taken care of yet mothers are not told that they can get around that but just opt to reach for that free sample of formula that was given to them. Some are just so misinformed about just how beneficial breastmilk is and for how long it is. (it doesn't stop being good for your baby at 6mos.-- in fact it is recommended for at least 2 years).

I'm using parenting/breastfeeding issues because I happen to come across these more often.  But it is just scratching the surface of the medical community as a whole.  Patients have to take responsibility for their health and treatment. Not too long ago my mother, who was having back/neck/knee problems went to a doctor for help. He offered her shots to help with the pain. Not novacaine, mind you, but big deal epidural type shots. He never suggested exercises, or even physical therapy. After a few months, my parents brought it up to the dr. and he said it was a good idea. why didn't he suggest that from the beginning that which was most helpful to her?

I haven't finished watching it but I plan to but I think I want to recommend to everyone to watch the documentary "The Business of Being Born". So far it has captured my thoughts about our medical system. Health care reform would not be so bad if it meant that hospitals weren't charging an arm and a leg so that third-party payers will dish out the funds. Eventually, this ups our costs of health insurance. I'm over it.

As an aside-I have trouble being coherent these days so my thoughts are all over the place. My best blogposts are composed in my head while I'm driving. Those never make it to the computer screen the same way. oh well.

P.S.  I am not a doctor hater.  In fact, I have a respect for the work and studying that goes into that profession.  I also know that there are doctors that are more humble and /or more educated than others.  It is a case-by-case basis where these individuals are actually taught poorly in schools or within their residencies. 

some encouraging thoughts (from other people)

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own,’ or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life—the life God is sending one day by day; what one calls one’s ‘real life’ is a phantom of one’s own imagination. This at least is what I see at moments of insight: but it’s hard to remember it all the time.”
~C. S. Lewis

"A mother…by her planning and industry night and day, by her willfulness of love, by her fidelity, she brings up her children. Do not read to me the campaigns of Caesar and tell me nothing about Napoleon’s wonderful exploits. For I tell you that, as God and the angels look down upon the silent history of that woman’s administration, and upon those men-building processes which went on in her heart and mind through a score of years;—nothing exterior, no outward development of kingdoms, no empire-building, can compare with what mother has done. Nothing can compare in beauty, and wonder, and admirableness, and divinity itself, to the silent work in obscure dwellings of faithful women bringing their children to honor and virtue and piety."
~Henry Ward Beecher


These quotes remind me that it is a high yet humbling calling to be a mother.  I also see that it is a messy one.  Tasks do not go as hoped or planned.  Hiccups and roadblocks will happen.  It is the nature of motherhood (and life).

vans, vegetables, and vacations

How did these months pass so quickly.  David headed back to school this week and I am reflecting on (as I am prone to do) on the summer past.  It was busy.  Sure, some folks think that because David is a teacher his summers are full of leisure.  We wish.  Not so but it is rather productive (or as productive as we can be with a toddler and an infant).  Our summer involved selling our car to purchase a van (a transaction that amazingly happened on the same day--I thought it would take forever to sell our car from craigslist but I am still getting calls about that car).  Our van, or swagger wagon, has made things easier, esp. in terms of packing up for trips.  Oh the room!  It is fabulous.  We are also enjoying all the storage compartments and power doors. 

Before Judah arrived, I rented a tiller and David tilled a part of our yard for a garden.  We were well advised by the folks at Lakeland Yard and Garden center and have a had a great harvest of tomatoes, cukes, squash, and okra.  We had a great harvest of parsley but caterpillers ate it before I could harvest it.  Bell peppers didn't do as well but there is always next year.  I look forward to it.  It has been a joy to tend. 

We got to go to gulf shores for a little R & R with my parents.  It has been the first time going on  vacation since David was born so although it was fun it was also not a trip to the beach as we remember it.  We've entered into a new stage of life.  We loved being in such a beautiful setting, in a great condo.  David Jr. enjoyed the beach and the pools with his daddy.  David took a course this summer that kept him pretty busy.  He took his required translation exam and passed with flying colors.  That was not a surprise to his wife who sees him work so hard.  I'm proud of my intelligent husband who is passionate about latin and all things related. 

We have been married 5 years now.  What a jam-packed few years it has been.  I'm continually grateful for this relationship the Lord blessed me with.  I don't deserve it but I'm thrilled to have a godly husband and now these two precious children.  More on that later (maybe--if i get around to it).

I never really look forward to David going back to work but here are some things I do look forward to:
-- a regular schedule
--cooler weather
--pecans! from our trees
--delicious apples and all things pumpkin
--a wedding for David's friend
--Judah's baptism
--David's 31st birthday soon after
--mama's bible study starting back up
--holidays!!

Happy August!

secret identity

I love being a mom...mostly.  Sure there are weeds to pull up, and the toil (oh the toil) of backbreaking (esp. with my hulking boys) work that comes with parenting.  But as my little tykes sleep (at the same time, like they are now so that I can write you this post) I am filled to the brim with joy, thankfulness, and love.  Can any other occupation be so emotionally complex as parenthood?  One of the major downsides to parenthood for me has been the constant scrutiny I am under for how we choose to parent.  No, this is not a post on why I am justified in choosing my parental methods.  That is another post for another day (and that day may be a long way away).  This is really about my personal response to such scrutiny.  I confess that I like people's approval.  Nay, I LOVE people's approval.  I yearn for it more than I like to admit, even to myself.  Do I know that it is empty?  In my head I do.  I know that people's opinions are like chaff in the wind--it changes direction in a heartbeat, swaying to and fro.  But this is an emotional addiction that probably dates back to before I even started talking. 

So, with the scrutiny comes what I interpret as disapproval and judgement.  With disapproval and judgement comes a drop in confidence and a rise in insecurity.  Apparently, as is becoming more clear to me, I find my identity in others approval.  When others think I'm ok than I feel ok.  This has the potential of turning me into an approval junkie. 

However, the Lord loves to place us just outside our comfort zone.  So in my parenting adventure I have received much input.  Some of that input is uneducated and/or unhelpful.  Yet, I am faced with the knowledge that So-and-so believes me to be a poor parent.  I am faced, therefore, with my idol.  Yet another "golden calf" in my life.  It takes practice for myself to let go of the approval that falsely promises me love and peace.  I want my identity to be found in stronger stuff.  The stuff of Christ.  His approval is all that matters and I receive it freely because I believe Him when He tells me that He loves me (and my family), is shaping me, and will complete that work in me.  God's peace is long-lasting whereas others' approval is so short-lived.  If you don't have God's peace, seek it whole-heartedly. 

surviving the first month, part II

As smooth as my transition to two kids has been, there have been a couple of rough spots.  The first was how to keep my toddler occupied whilst not watching too much PBS during the times when I was tending to the baby.  For the most part, I would say I failed at this on my own.  The second challenge was napping.  David Jr.'s ritual was washed away when Judah came.  I was successful getting David down for a nap a few times but it was just too difficult and it sort of felt like the moons had to align in order for that to really work.  He would either miss his nap and be a big crank the rest of the afternoon or take a late one and be up late at night.  The only place that I had some guarantee was the car.  So, toward the end of the month I loaded up the car daily and David would fall asleep.  I would either drive around or come home and sit in the driveway with a book to read or nurse Judah.  I didn't even want to risk transferring him to his bed at that point.  One time,  I attempted an at-home nap and failed.   I just went about the day as usual.  At 4pm, I noticed that my son was awfully still at my feet.  I was sitting in my beige rocker in the corner.  I saw that he fell asleep on the floor.  That has never ever EVER happened.  My high-needs child fell asleep on the floor without help.  Well, I thought it was adorable.  It will likely not happen again for awhile but it was so sweet.  He was too tuckered out to fight the nap.

Napping is still hard but for different reasons.  David is home for the summer which had me thinking this would get easier, however, Jr. threw us a curveball, as most children do.  We are in the midst of figuring out what is going on with him that this change is occuring, what he needs, and what we can do about it.  He isn't wanting to go to sleep yet he is very sleepy some days.  So, I don't think he is doing away with his naps altogether.  Some days, like yesterday, he rested with his daddy on the bed and then was up-and-at-'em like he had a full nap.  We tried to put him to bed at his regular time but he didn't go to sleep until 3 hours later.  We are baffled.  Hopefully we'll start to see some sort of cause-n-effect pattern and respond accordingly. 

We are highly motivated.  He isn't the only one needing a nap...

surviving the first month, part I

I am surprised to say that the transition to two kids so far has been much easier than anticipated.  The hard stuff of transitioning was already passed when we had our firstborn, David.  So, Judah was just a tiny addition of responsibility.  A welcome one, at that.  He is so darling.  Incredibly laid back and fusses when there is only a clear problem and easily consoled.  In the class I teach (human growth & development) there are three types of temperaments that babies have (and are usually stable throughout their life) and they are:  easy, slow-to-warm-up, and difficult.  Undeniably, Judah is an easy baby who has already (and pretty early) shared his smiles with us.  He allows us to put him down more often and his cries are not intense compared to what his older brother's were when he was that little.  I am amazed how early you can see their personalities.  If you are going to have kids (which I highly suggest you do, if married) then I also highly suggest you have more than one.  Having Judah has helped me understand some of my past experiences with David.  I am able to do some healthy comparing and contrasting.  For instance, I gained perspective about David as an infant.  There were always seeds of doubt about whether I made David into a fussy infant.  Was I, in our attachment parenting philosophy, creating a difficult child to raise?  The answer is no, happily.  I can see clearly now that David's temperament was not a figment of my imagination and it wasn't my fault.  I can only see that because of how different Judah is.  Cool, right?  Their need levels were different and I could only know that this was a normal thing to deal with by having two of them.  Oh, the lessons we'll learn with the more we have and the older they get!

After my firstborn, I desired my "me" time.  Well, I long got used to not having as much of that.  After Judah, what I miss is more couple time.  I find myself planning and looking forward to times when David and I can have dates that don't require a nursing break.  This is mainly because we are two-on-two.  I handle Judah mostly and David handles David Jr. mostly.  So, my husband and I are not together as much.  This is a normal challenge of this phase and it will be over likely before I am truly ready to see my kids outgrow that kind parenting but I do look forward to couple time.  The summer will be better because David is thankfully a teacher with summers off (mostly--he has an online course to complete).  He'll be around and that will be GREAT!

David (husband) has found himself in the first month feeling oh-so-bonded with David Jr.  Whereas, I was completely and utterly in love with Judah.  It is hard to compete with a cuddly and adorable newborn.  I have struggled with all sorts of mixed feelings about my toddler, in the meantime.  When I am feeling patient and rested, I am able to sympathize with my toddler's transitions from his perspective.   However, when my toddler is particularly challenging I want to get away from him.  This is all the more complicated because this is the son that I was so bonded to prior to Judah's arrival.  I feel sad, then guilt, then good.  Kind of a crazy mix of emotions.  Again, I have read enough to know that these complicated and conflictual emotions are a normal part of transitioning but just because it is normal doesn't mean it is comfortable or fun.  I'm thankful at these times that David's daddy is his playmate (a great one at that).  I see the genius in God design, don't you?

wasn't what the dr. ordered

Everyone loves a good birth story, right?  So, here is mine.  I'll do my best to tell it well.

First, I would like to say, "I told you so."  I've been saying that I didn't think I would make it to term.  I was pretty uncomfortable early on in my third trimester and looked as big or bigger than other ladies who were due after me.  It just didn't add up.  Also, lets not forget all the passersby and strangers that would tell me that I was going to have a baby any day now.  Honestly, I was ok if the baby came a few weeks early as long as it was after 34 wks.  And I was 36wks when my water broke this time.  I was told by my doula that this was due to the full moon.  And when I did arrive at the hospital I was one of the first of about 37 births in those couple of days.  So maybe there is something to that.....

Alright, here is how it happened.  My brother-in-law, Samuel was over for a little bit and was visiting with David around 10:30.  I went to bed (being uncomfortable and pregnant and all) and was reading to wind down.  As I read, I felt something shift in my belly and swo-ooosh!  Warm liquids escaped me.  There was no question at that point what it was.  I got up quietly (our 2yr old sleeps on a mattress on the floor of our bedroom) and went to tell David.  He sprang into action calling the hospital and our babysitter.  I tried to get my head in gear for packing what essentials I thought were needed. Up to that point I started packing but didn't finish.   I didn't feel any contractions which meant that I had no idea how long we were going to be in the hospital.  Afterall, when my water broke with David Jr. I was in there a week.  Still, I didn't think they would do that this time since I wasfurther along.  I packed what I could think of and felt sad to be leaving my little boy.  I even took one of his stuffed animals with me as a comfort to me.  We got to the hospital around 11:45pm.  By that time, amniotic fluid was everywhere.  My shoes were sopping as if I were running through rain puddles.  Yes.  It was disgusting.  And embarrassing.  Check-in was quick.  The ER was completely deserted except for the staff.  Glad for that since I had sopping wet pants.

On the drive up to the hospital, I became aware of contractions.  Nothing to painful.  Just enough to notice.  By 12, I was in the hospital bed and checking the clock.  The contractions were coming about every 5 to 7 minutes.  They had to check my cervix and I find this to be very painful.  Apparently, my cervix was "posterior" so they had to really hurt me to feel that I was not even a centimenter dilated.  I was feeling thirsty and hungry around 1pm but all they would give me were ice chips.  I was regretting that I ate such a light dinner and wishing I had downed the water that was on my bedside table before I left.  David offered to sneak me food but I wasn't sure about it and opted to wait.  Boy, that came back to haunt me. 

The doctor on call wanted to put me on Staydol (sp?) because reportedly a couple of hours in the womb could further help the baby's lung functioning.  I asked to think about it.  My birth plan excluded staydol b/c it really doped me up with the last delivery.  Finally, with David's help, I decided to take it but asked for half the dosage that was typical (I am particularly sensitive to meds--it takes very little for me to feel the effects).  This was actually a good move b/c it allowed me to sleep for a couple of hours (maybe three).  I would need that rest.  Up to that point, I was fine with the contractions.  By 5 something, we asked the doula to make her way over.  I was in more pain at that point.  I had to stop to breathe through them.  The nurse came in at some point (the time is blurry) and announced that I was to be put on pitocin.  I adamantly refused it.  I didn't see what the point of pitocin was at that point.  Not to mention that these contractions were coming much faster, even 2 minutes apart sometimes.  After that, things started rolling.  Contractions came on harder and faster and I was more and more ready for my epidural.  I vaguely noticed that it was light outside between the contractions.  While contracting I was feeling very faint.  I remember telling whoever was there (husband, doula, nurse) that I was going to faint.  David explained to the nurse that I sometimes have low blood sugar.  With all that laboring and no nourishment--it is no wonder!  The nurse brought me some apple juice and I was so thankful that she "broke the rules" for me with that.  I felt better able to labor with some sugar in me.  Contractions were hard!   The doula suggested I sit on the toilet to see if it would help.  It was ok but nothing was really going to make me feel better but an epidural.  It was getting to the point that no amount of massaging on the back was helping the pain.  Very very intense.  I was begging for the epidural as I was digging my nails into my poor husband's arm.  I even told him to go out in the hall and get him.  They told me that I was third in line to get the epidural.  I kept hoping beyond hope that he would come before the next contraction.  After each contraction at this point, I am despairing and whimpering, "I can't do this" and begin crying.  Both the doula and David were encouraging me and telling me that not only can I but I was doing this.  Even thinking about this point in labor is tough.  I was a pathetic sight to see, I'm sure.  I didn't realize this until after Judah was born but I was in transition.  Most of you readers know that this is the worst part of labor where every mother wants to turn back.  And yes, it is true.  I was at the end of my rope and still no anesthesiologist and no epidural.  Between contractions (which were such short times) I am in another world.  Everything outside my own body is a blur.  People are talking to me and I'm barely cognizant of them.  They are just voices coming into my consciousness from far away.  They tell me that the epidural guy is there.  I wanted to curse him out and ask what took so long--no energy to do that. 

Here is the clincher.  I'm having the worst contractions of my labor and the doctor wants me to get into an uncomfortable position and keep absolutely still while giving my drugs.  I am desparate for drugs but while he is doing all his prep work I cannot keep still.  I am all over the bed.  The nurse is telling me to "blow away the pain" and "go to my happy place".  I wanted to hit her.  I never felt more patronized in my life than in that moment.  I'm glad I didn't hit since she was a nice lady.  :)  I hear the anesthesiologist losing his patience with me and I'm wondering if getting the shot is even possible anymore.  The nurse is holding me and I'm doing my darndest to concentrate through the pain.  I'm actually praying.  Ok, this is important to me because I can't say that I would have thought that when push comes to shove, in such extreme pain that the Lord would come to mind but He did.  I was able to tell the Lord that I didn't think I was going to make it through a contraction while getting the epidural and basically pleading for help.  He gave.   He is gracious.  When the dr. was ready to prick me, I was not having a contraction or at least not as an intense one.  Oh, I have no idea how that happened but it did.  I kid you not--it was a miracle. 

With labor with David Jr. I was able to rest about 3 or 4 hours after getting the epidural before pushing.  Imagine my surprise when I feel the urge to push almost immediately after receiving the epidural.  I was telling David that I needed to rest and that I didn't want to push.  I was whining it more like it.  David didn't realize that I was as far along as I was and told me not to push-thinking that I wanted to push before being dilated enough.  The urge was strong and I just ignored everyone (except my doula who was whispering to me to listen to my body) and pushed.  I pushed while on my left side and it felt great!  I guess a better way to describe it is that it felt oh-so-right.  The nurse, who was well intentioned but not helpful, kept telling me to move to my side and then my back and then my side and then my back, etc.  She was explaining that there was still a pocket of amniotic fluid in my belly that was slowing down labor (this was slow??!!!).  I wanted her to leave me alone.  I opened my eyes for a second and saw a lot of people in the room getting it ready.  The stirrups came out and I was pushing.  I felt burning (found out later that for natural labor this is called the ring of fire--yeah, ouch) and then relief.  The dr. gave me a novacaine shot in the perineum to help with the pain of stretching.  Judah came out and I was almost too tired to even look at him.  I was really happy to hear him crying.  I didn't hear David cry when he was born so I knew that Judah had good lungs on him.  It was a sweet sound.  I was also happy to hear that I didn't get an episiotomy (like last time) and I didn't tear.  Whew!  That makes all the difference in recovery!  They cleaned everything up and I was able to rest.  A little while later my epidural set in and I couldn't feel my thighs.  I totally think I shouldn't have to pay for an epidural that was not helpful.  However, that is likely not to happen. 

The next day my OBGYN told me that she got onto the anesthesiologist about not getting to me earlier.  I appreciated the acknowledgment that he was needed earlier.  Judah was doing well in all his screenings except one, the hearing one.  He was referred to an audiologist and I go with him on tuesday.  I was told that he most likely failed the tests due to his wakefulness during the process.  Whatever that means.  Also, we were told that this is common b/c there is lots of fluid behind the ears for preemies.  But despite that everything was great.  I felt great.  Folks said I looked great and so we went home a day early.  Because as anyone who has been in a hospital knows--there is no rest for the weary in there.  I knew that I would sleep better through the night at home.  

re-covered dining room chairs



I have had these chairs since we lived in belhaven with the intention of re-covering them.  Well, it took me two years to decide on a fabric and then find that fabric at a price that I could justify paying.  The moons and planets aligned and I was able to get the red patterned fabric shown (along with some fabric for curtains in the kitchen and laundry room).  The chair on the right is what the old fabric looked like.  I just covered over it.  I didn't even bother taking the old fabric off.  I'm a little scared to re-cover the seat that david jr.'s high chair sits on for obvious reasons but I will eventually do that.  However, I will probably cover the chair with some sort of clear plastic just to protect it.  

the tale of a tile backsplash and how a husband was victorious

I promised some pictures of the tile backsplash project that my husband accomplished.  Again, I'm super-proud of his work.  I know that if I were to do it would have come out sloppier, with way more mistakes, and many extra trips to the hardware store.  He was much more methodical and patient through the process than I know I would have been.  I also think that it was good for his soul to do something that didn't involve latin, books, or school. 

 

 These are the before pics.  The white area is where our old countertops were before the granite.

Below is David adding the adhesive to place the tile onto.  We had to rent a wet tile saw which helped with all the complicated cuts.  Lots of math was involved and I'm very impressed with his mathmatical skills--another way to tell that he is very left brained while I'm very right.  I came up with the the design and he implemented it.



This is the tile place and spaced before grout is applied.



Grouting and wiping



Finishing up

I want to put up a grand "TA DA" photo but I want to wait until (1) all the switchplates are back up and (2) my kitchen is clean and not being used (like a magazine!)

amazingly things are getting done

Taking into consideration that I'm more and more tired as the weeks go by (34 and counting--keep praying guys!), it is amazing how much we've been able to do.  A lot of it has to do with my sweet husband who is willing to appease his wife with fierce nesting instincts.  He put up the tile backsplash and it looks absolutely beautiful (pictures to come).  I am so proud of his work!  We got the roof fixed (mostly) and rearranged our furniture (changing table in our room and my old dresser--the one i grew up with!--in the nursery/soon-to-be-david's room.), re-covered the dining room chairs (pics coming soon), changed out the chandelier from something rather outdated to a crystal chandelier that has become retro-chic on HGTV and it was FREE!  I've organized all the clothes (packing those that are outgrown and unpacking the infancy clothes--so incredibly small!) and purchased a cheap but good-looking rug from walmart for out dining room. 

It is April now and I'm happy to say that we will have an april or may baby and not a march one, again.  David's birthday was small but he got to enjoy his first chocolate cake and got some toy cars and airplanes and some outdoor play things like a sandbox and slide.  I turned 32 and it hardly stood out.  My dear husband made the day special by presenting me with gifts throughout the day (puzzle--b/c that is my new old person hobby, cupcakes from Gigi's, a very sweet card, a Foxtrot book--this man knows me so well, and an electrician to finish our undercabinet lighting).  I also got some very generous gifts from my parents and my mother-in-law.  I have yet to figure out what to do with it and am somewhat overwhelmed with the options.

That's all for now.  I'm sorry for the random stream of consciousness that I threw at you.  I hope it makes some semblence of sense.