secret identity

I love being a mom...mostly.  Sure there are weeds to pull up, and the toil (oh the toil) of backbreaking (esp. with my hulking boys) work that comes with parenting.  But as my little tykes sleep (at the same time, like they are now so that I can write you this post) I am filled to the brim with joy, thankfulness, and love.  Can any other occupation be so emotionally complex as parenthood?  One of the major downsides to parenthood for me has been the constant scrutiny I am under for how we choose to parent.  No, this is not a post on why I am justified in choosing my parental methods.  That is another post for another day (and that day may be a long way away).  This is really about my personal response to such scrutiny.  I confess that I like people's approval.  Nay, I LOVE people's approval.  I yearn for it more than I like to admit, even to myself.  Do I know that it is empty?  In my head I do.  I know that people's opinions are like chaff in the wind--it changes direction in a heartbeat, swaying to and fro.  But this is an emotional addiction that probably dates back to before I even started talking. 

So, with the scrutiny comes what I interpret as disapproval and judgement.  With disapproval and judgement comes a drop in confidence and a rise in insecurity.  Apparently, as is becoming more clear to me, I find my identity in others approval.  When others think I'm ok than I feel ok.  This has the potential of turning me into an approval junkie. 

However, the Lord loves to place us just outside our comfort zone.  So in my parenting adventure I have received much input.  Some of that input is uneducated and/or unhelpful.  Yet, I am faced with the knowledge that So-and-so believes me to be a poor parent.  I am faced, therefore, with my idol.  Yet another "golden calf" in my life.  It takes practice for myself to let go of the approval that falsely promises me love and peace.  I want my identity to be found in stronger stuff.  The stuff of Christ.  His approval is all that matters and I receive it freely because I believe Him when He tells me that He loves me (and my family), is shaping me, and will complete that work in me.  God's peace is long-lasting whereas others' approval is so short-lived.  If you don't have God's peace, seek it whole-heartedly.