what are other people doing?

My house is a mess! I don't mean that my house is a mess because I have my shoes in the living room (i do) or that the laundry is still waiting to be taken out of the dryer (it is) but I mean that there is a general filth. There isn't enough time in a day, arms growing out of our bodies, or energy to tackle the daily chores we used to do more regularly. This only bothers me a little compared to the lack of freedom I've felt lately. I miss being able to go for hours at a time to go out to eat dinner with friends, or shop, or hang out at a bookstore. When we do these things it is way more complicated than it used to be. I am sure all you mothers out there know exactly what I'm talking about and probably complained about it a lot less than I do. I like to travel light. But it is the biggest irony that I have to pack like I'm going away for the weekend just to go...anywhere! What is also funny is that I manage to forget at least one essential item. Boppy or nursing cover or extra outfit for our lil' pooper or meds. I can't keep a running list in my head anymore. I walk and talk as if in a strange fog where I can't quite get my thoughts together. I frequently walk away from conversations with this unsettling feeling that I forgot to say something or didn't say it right.

I am watching my son change and grow and look forward to it getting easier but then I remember what it is like to be around a toddler--tiring. And is this when I am supposed to want another one? Hmmm. The last couple of days were a little crazy so maybe that is why I am feeling more inconvenienced lately. One night I had an anxiety attack that happened suddenly and out of nowhere. I was scared that I was going to relive my first experiences with panic and anxiety. The next day I was so tramautized that before any words came out of my mouth I cried on David's shoulder. He was very comforting as he reminded me that I have a lot more coping skills to handle this than I did last time. He also thought that I was experiencing more of a fluke than anything that was indicative of my anxiety becoming worse. While I was crying I looked down at little david and he, with eyes wide open, looked up at me and smiled. Wow. Aside from the fact that he thinks his momma crying is smile-worthy, I thought the timing of that smile was perfect. Thank you Lord! It didn't cure me but it was a sweet moment. That day I didn't have much of an appetite. I ate some eggs and apples throughout the day. I went to try my first yogalites class since pregnancy and it was a great workout. When you add the amount of food I consumed plus an intense workout plus a child who seemingly is going through his 3 mos. growth spurt 2 wks early, you get a woman who could barely get out of bed for low blood sugar. I could barely call david to the bed and when he did I asked him to bring me juice, then cereal. It took me quite a few hours to recover from that. Once recovered, I've been more careful to pay attention to my hunger pains.

This post is getting radically long so I'll stop here. David says as much as I might complain I still look at little david and my eyes light up. I don't know about that but I have definitely grown attached. He is such a cutie!

life lately

The growth spurt is over and my sanity remained intact. However, new things have arisen. The pattern seems to be: nurse, cry, sleep. The crying portion of this new schedule is what concerns me. Typically this is in the afternoon but that doesn't mean that it hasn't happened other times as well. Also, he has times when he is happy, awake and not crying. My relatives all say this is gas. They also say that it will end around his 3rd month. We've used the much raved about Mylicon but all it seems to do is interrupt the wails so that we can insert a pacifier to help comfort him. Everyone on my side of the family recommended an herbal tea made from anise seed (that I grew up with and find very comforting) for the baby but I'm just not sure...

So, babies cry, right? Right! But my therapist/analytical/paranoid parts wonder if it is something other than gas, like him having a difficult temperament. I was talking about his crying with some friends who asked if he was fussy. That question stuck with me. Is he fussy? And if he is, why do I feel guilty or embarrassed by that? I've read up on this and discovered that the "good" baby/fussy baby categories are a bit limiting. Well, and all that to say, he may not be fussy--i have no idea. It isn't like I've done this before.

We've learned that the baby loves the vibration of singing low notes. He loves the "monkey hold". He also loves to be held and patted on the the back and bottom. His daddy has become a champ at all of these.

David Sr. seems to have his most difficult times at the changing table. He cannot seem to change the baby's diaper without getting the changing pad, 4 diapers, and babies clothes wet. To say the least, we are going through lots of diapers. I've gotten "wet" on as well but due to leaky diapers.

I'm just dying to see some smiles and ready for him to be interactive. We might have to wait longer because his developmental milestones might be later in coming due to him being preterm.

I would love to hear your thoughts on these things.

a slow and painful week with my cute growing pain

David Jr. and I had a good rhythm going. Every 3 hours (give or take 15 min) he would get hungry. I would nurse, he would stay awake for a little while or sleep, and then we would start over. Then, around tuesday of last week, David threw me a curve ball. He started getting more fussy, and wanting to eat every hour and a half to two hours (doesn't sound bad until you know that I was feeding him for about 45 minutes or an hour out of that time). I was left with a small break between feedings, my "equipment" for nursing was "tired" and this was happening through the night. I was relieved to learn last week that the growth spurt (the 6-wk growth spurt, to be exact) that was the cause of the new rhythm usually lasts from 2 to 7 days or so. Well, by the 7th day my nerves were raw and I was frazzled. David Sr. helped as much as he could but, of course, he can't nurse and he had to finish up his exams and grading. Well, we made it but it was not easy.

I think the growth spurt is over for the most part. Now, he sleeps and sleeps (which is when the growing starts). He looks longer and is definitely heavier (though we don't have any exact numbers). At least for the last couple of days, he has gone 3 hours between feedings and at night he went as long as 6 hours one night. Because I am getting more of a break I tend to like him more. Sure, I love him (would I work so hard for someone I didn't?) But now, I like and want to play with him. It also helps that he is a happier baby now. I don't really look forward to the next growth spurt (books say that will happen at 3 mos. and david is 7 and a half wks).

I made all sorts of plans for this past week that have gone to pot.
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just an aside, there is some kid trying to luge down our street--hilarious!
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I wanted to hang out with my friend Marti and later Meg and Christel. None of the above happened until after the growth spurt ended. I've never heard of these spurts and how hard they can be. But at least the painful part is for a good cause because this little guy is starting to get baby fat. This is a source of pride to me.

the post i was going to write before david jr. arrived

Here are some pictures of our yard as spring made an appearance. We had so many clovers--it was beautiful. Although, our neighbors probably just thought we needed to cut our lawn.

top ten list of why i love being a mom

10. I love having an excuse to be negligent in other areas of my life-- especially with my cellphone. (not that i wasn't already negligent, but now i have the excuse).

9. I love the smell of my newborn's head.

8. I love the cute clothes and tiny diapers (when they are clean, of course)

7. I love that everyone wants to visit us to see our baby--instant popularity!

6. I love watching him grow and change daily.

5. I love that I have a baby that looks like my wonderful husband. I love seeing his face in my son.

4. I love that my baby has my olive skin tone. All this time I thought it was jaundice until the doctor informed me otherwise.

3. I love to sing to my baby, even if it isn't doing squat to soothe him. It probably soothes me.

2. I love and live for this boy's smiles. He is just starting to show us his smiles but we have hints of what it will be like when he is asleep. I've heard him chuckle and I can't stop myself from grinning.

1. I love to snuggle with our baby boy. I don't know if all infants are so snuggly but I love, love, love it. Young David will scoot his swaddled self (think inch worm) over to bury his head in my bosom while sleeping.

let's hear it for healthy breasts

It turns out that my right breast feels like it is being shredded when I nurse because it is "yeasty". I went to see a lactation specialist over that and some other issues and I was told that the pain wasn't normal. Hurray! I loved hearing that this pain was treatable--better yet-treatable with natural remedies such as grapefruit seed extract and gentia violet. I currently expect my nipple to come out of looking like it has been mauled because of how it feels but in a couple weeks I hope to be able to nurse young david with ease (with as much ease as expected when you are getting up in the middle of the night). Overall, it was a great appointment and we are looking forward to David getting to new stages of eating and sleeping. With that said, however, I must say that I can see young David growing overnight and I can't help but feel somewhat sad as I lose those little fingers and hands. They are so much bigger than they once were which is good and healthy but I will miss the ultra tinyness. We are on the verge of getting full smiles from him though so we are moving to good things. We'll just try to enjoy each stage as it comes and goes.

our son

our first walk and other random news

I went for a walk with my son, husband and dog today for the first time. It went really well. Young David was asleep and seemed to be lulled by the vibrations of the road. It was good for me to get a walk and see spring up close (rather than through a window). I hope to do that more often.

Young David is awake more often between feedings. It has caused me to lose more sleep because it is harder for me to sleep when he is looking about. I just can't help but interact with him (read: look back at him).

I have been feeling a little more anxious today and yesterday. I wonder if that means my pregnancy hormones are leaving me or if I am just tired/sleepy. I hope it is the latter rather than the former. I keep waiting to see if postpartum depression is going to hit me or if my anxiety will return. It is hard to wait and see. I thought my hair was supposed to be falling out but it seems to be clinging with extra force--even my normal amount of shedding is nonexistent. Doesn't seem like a problem but I already have very thick hair and so I can't pull my hair back without getting a headache from the weight. For someone who was "all belly" with my pregnancy, I can't find much to wear that fits and that is nursing friendly. I know to be patient in losing the pregnancy weight but I would by lying if I didn't say that I miss my pre-pregnancy body b/c I miss my pre-pregnancy clothes.

david's 1st doctor's appointment

I have met "Dr. Craig" Flowers and love him! He is incredibly upbeat and positive. I am thankful that he will be our pediatrician. The first thing he said to me was "your baby is a gift." He gave me some helpful instructions which I appreciated. He has gained 8 oz since last wednesday--isn't that amazing?! So now he is a whopping 6lbs. :) I'm glad all that nursing is going somewhere!

It was a bit hectic trying to nurse a hungry (read: crying) baby, fill out a stack of paperwork, and call my husband for his SS#. And as much as I figured this was a normal occurence for these nurses and staff to see, I felt self-conscious that I was the only frazzled mother they've seen--therefore, I'm a mess and I'm doing it wrong. But by the end of the visit I was assured that it was all part and parcel of being new and having a billion things to carry and attend to.

When we came home we both got two hour naps which was refreshing. It also felt good to get in the car and drive (even if there was a fussing baby in the back).

days 3 through 8

We have a routine of sorts right now. I get out of bed between 10 and 12 (not to imply that I wake up at that point but actually wake up every two to three hours beforehand). I change a tiny preemie diaper and sit in the "best chair" chair with boppy and blanket in tow to feed tiny david. I am in that chair until david comes home with a break to get up and change his diaper in between. Then after david takes our dog for a walk I hand tiny david off to him to get a arm/lap break. I catch a bath, a snack, go to the bathroom. In the middle of the night, we have tiny david sleeping with us in the bed. David changes his diaper and hands him to me to feed and then we just sleep in that position until the next feeding. Last night, however, he didn't go straight to sleep and so both of us were up for about an hour trying to settle him down. It didn't happen until I decided to feed him again.

I was disappointed that I didn't get more time with my husband over the Easter holiday but there were just so many things that needed to get done. So, now he is back at work for about a month before his summer break. He has been working super hard to get so much done. I am so appreciative but I just miss his company. Our best time to connect is when we are about to go to bed and we get to truly talk. We compare notes and walk through our new experiences together.

I gotta publish this before my computer battery runs out...