what are other people doing?

My house is a mess! I don't mean that my house is a mess because I have my shoes in the living room (i do) or that the laundry is still waiting to be taken out of the dryer (it is) but I mean that there is a general filth. There isn't enough time in a day, arms growing out of our bodies, or energy to tackle the daily chores we used to do more regularly. This only bothers me a little compared to the lack of freedom I've felt lately. I miss being able to go for hours at a time to go out to eat dinner with friends, or shop, or hang out at a bookstore. When we do these things it is way more complicated than it used to be. I am sure all you mothers out there know exactly what I'm talking about and probably complained about it a lot less than I do. I like to travel light. But it is the biggest irony that I have to pack like I'm going away for the weekend just to go...anywhere! What is also funny is that I manage to forget at least one essential item. Boppy or nursing cover or extra outfit for our lil' pooper or meds. I can't keep a running list in my head anymore. I walk and talk as if in a strange fog where I can't quite get my thoughts together. I frequently walk away from conversations with this unsettling feeling that I forgot to say something or didn't say it right.

I am watching my son change and grow and look forward to it getting easier but then I remember what it is like to be around a toddler--tiring. And is this when I am supposed to want another one? Hmmm. The last couple of days were a little crazy so maybe that is why I am feeling more inconvenienced lately. One night I had an anxiety attack that happened suddenly and out of nowhere. I was scared that I was going to relive my first experiences with panic and anxiety. The next day I was so tramautized that before any words came out of my mouth I cried on David's shoulder. He was very comforting as he reminded me that I have a lot more coping skills to handle this than I did last time. He also thought that I was experiencing more of a fluke than anything that was indicative of my anxiety becoming worse. While I was crying I looked down at little david and he, with eyes wide open, looked up at me and smiled. Wow. Aside from the fact that he thinks his momma crying is smile-worthy, I thought the timing of that smile was perfect. Thank you Lord! It didn't cure me but it was a sweet moment. That day I didn't have much of an appetite. I ate some eggs and apples throughout the day. I went to try my first yogalites class since pregnancy and it was a great workout. When you add the amount of food I consumed plus an intense workout plus a child who seemingly is going through his 3 mos. growth spurt 2 wks early, you get a woman who could barely get out of bed for low blood sugar. I could barely call david to the bed and when he did I asked him to bring me juice, then cereal. It took me quite a few hours to recover from that. Once recovered, I've been more careful to pay attention to my hunger pains.

This post is getting radically long so I'll stop here. David says as much as I might complain I still look at little david and my eyes light up. I don't know about that but I have definitely grown attached. He is such a cutie!