sick and guilty

For some reason, even when I was little girl, anytime I was sick and I had to go to the doctor I felt so guilty for how much my parents had to pay.  And now I am in the hospital with a kidney stone, and I am feeling so guilty about what is likely to be a huge hospital bill.  I feel guilty that I'm here, in and out of consciousness (because of the meds) while my husband struggles to be single parent.  I feel guilty that I'm depriving my children of their mother.  I am "pumping and dumping" with the narcotics and then pumping for more breastmilk after that for Judah.  My sweet Judah is sick with RSV and David is having to handle it mostly on his own.  I try to tell myself that I am no use at home.  It is true that if I were home, I would be laying down on a couch or bed and sleeping through the medication.  We both decided last night that it would be best to stay overnight in the hospital because of the level of care I could receive plus more powerful drugs.  FYI:  I had babies and a kidney stone (at least one of this size) feels as painful as labor and delivery.  I also have a pretty small threshold for pain. 

The boys came to my room today and they all looked healthy and relatively happy.  It was a hard night for all of us.  I didn't get to sleep until 2am and began to have more pain at 5am.  Sleep has come off and on since then.  Judah was wired from the breathing treatments and did not sleep well therefore David did not either.  What a mess!

However, what I see is that we are making it.  No, it isn't comfortable.  No, we are not having fun.  Yes, my family is separated and it isn't ideal all around.  However, we are still making it.  It is doable.  It is manageable.  I asked David months ago what would happen if one of us needed to go to the ER in the middle of the night.  How would we manage?  Who would watch the kids?  What about nursing my baby?  Well, my fear was realized and I learned that, though it is tough, we are doing it.  We are living through it.  We've relied on our neighbor who came to sit in our house while david jr. slept.  She sweetly picked up our living room and washed our dishes.  What a ministry to us!  She even came over this morning and checked on us.  We've had numerous offers from folks to help us through this difficulty.  I am thankful to see that people were so willing to help.  Thanks to all of you who reached out to me and reached out to David.  The offers mean a lot.

We need prayer for Judah's sickness, David caring for him and our toddler, and prayer that this stone will pass sooner rather than later, and that the Lord will provide the means to pay for these bills when they come.  The bills weigh heavily on my heart but I need to give that over to the Lord and not carry that burden.  I guess our tax refunds will come in handy once we get that taken care of.  It is hard to see that money go before we even get it because we had other plans for that money.  Not even money to play around with but money to replace our coil on our much needed air conditioner (repairmen make A LOT of money--if you don't know what to do with your life, become a plumber, electrician, or AC repairman) 

Alright, I am done whining.  I will trust the Lord.  He is worthy!  He also has a history of coming through for us.  I don't feel like editing because my brain feels fuzzy, so excuse my grammatical errors.