you do what you gotta do

I am able to sit down and write this blog because the past few days I have been able to "convince" baby david to sleep in his swing. Of course, I have had to put the swing in the bathroom so that the running water can help soothe him to sleep. I sit on the floor beside him and sing and he eventually falls asleep. My epiphany came when I realized that if I move the swing into the bathroom he will have all that he usually has with us: Motion, song, and white noise (bath water). This way I am free during his naps to be productive. Ok, so writing a blog isn't extremely productive but during his last nap I cleaned out the microwave and ate lunch. It is nice to just sit. Ahhhh.

This new development has given me a sense of hope. It is a small step but it means at least an hour or so of freedom in the morning and in the evening. I'm not going to even think about when he outgrows the swing at this point. I'm just enjoying this new thing. Some things that I thought I would enjoy I have not as much. I was excited to see him start solids (last week) but as I was doing that I started to feel sad. He is growing up fast. Part of me loves that he is growing and another part is sad that I'm seeing phases pass by. I wonder if in a few years I will still remember looks he gives me, his smell, his manner. I am SO not ready to be phased out as a momma and I know that I have more time but does anyone else see how much faster time goes when you have children? It is frightening. I have wrinkles, people!

My wrinkles stand out more these days because I am looking at baby skin all the time. Comparatively my skin looks like rawhide. I'm not ready to lose my elasticity in my skin and look like a dried up prune. It isn't pretty. I find it also strange to say that in ten years I'll be 40. Those of you who read this blog who are nearer than I am or past this point, my apologies. I'm just sayin'...

David and I are so busy with our little guy (who has stolen our hearts) that we find that our house is falling apart around our ears. David would tell me that was not the case but I have a propensity to use hyperbole...a lot. :) So, what I mean is that shingles from our roof have fallen off and because of all the rain we have water spots on our bedroom ceiling--not good. We have spiders and roaches (more spiders than roaches) but YUCK! We have gutters that are overflowing and stopped up. David is up to his forehead in school work for Prep and for graduate school (although it has been better lately and I think it is because David is learning to relax a bit about his work {good thing}). We often wonder how other parents get anything done but we are making it. We are seeing our son thrive. We are blessed (just not with all the time we want).

I don't feel as much of a prisoner as I have early on. I guess that means I'm used to the loss of freedom. What I lose in freedom I have gained in this alien feeling of complete bondedness to a very fat little baby. I am in love with this boy. It isn't butterflys and sappy music kind of love. It is a I'll-fight-you-if-you-try-to-harm-him love. It is a gritty-ier kind of love. I can't describe it very well but it can be intense some days. I realize it when I see other babies in pain or hurting and I feel so sad. I know that motherhood has changed me. It isn't terrible. Just different.

Happy Autumn!