grieving

We received news yesterday that David's father died in a car accident. Mr. John Walter Hogue Jr. was 77 years old. There is an autopsy being performed to determine whether he may have had a heart attack and lost control of the car. The shock of the news was reeling. Since the news, I've witnessed my sweet husband crumble on the floor, weep, and groan. My heart is broken for him and his family. It looks like death is never something we can completely prepare for. Mr. Hogue was a hardy and strong 77 year old. If he passed away, we assumed it would be a slow decline. This sudden and unexpected death always leaves unanswered questions. I've listened as David expressed regrets--regrets of lost opportunities with his dad. I don't think we can watch someone leave this life without feeling wronged. We can't say good-bye, we can't make absolutely certain that they know we love him, respect, him and admire him. I remember feeling as though I had unfinished business with my cousin Tony when our family lost him to cancer last fall. I had to give it over to the Lord who timed these deaths long before the world was created. I also have to believe that in Heaven, in the presence of sweet Jesus, all is made right or will be when we join them one fine day.

Your prayers are appreciated as the family makes plans for the funeral and the logistics of getting such a huge family a place to stay (11 siblings, 34 grandkids, 3 aunts/uncles). Pray for Mrs. Hogue who is getting used to life without her husband of almost 48 years. Thank ya'll so much for the love, support, phone calls, offers of help, and prayers that we've received. It has been heartwarming and touching.

cora's fun weekend (written from the perspective of cora)

I was scared mommy and daddy were going to leave me on friday when I saw them packing the car but I actually got to go with them. Yippee. It was raining outside the whole drive to gramma and grampa's house so i had to keep arguing with my parents to open the windows. I don't get why they don't love to get wet--its awesome. At one point, daddy let me out at a place called "starbucks" (they are always drinking some weird water in there) and I ran and ran in the rain (I really had to go poopy). Daddy wasn't too happy.

I love gramma and granpa's house. I get all sorts of attention. They have this fuzzy stuff on the floor called carpet and it really scratches my back good.
They also have windows that I can see out of. I saw a man on a "lawnmower". I barked and barked but he never turned around or went away. Hmph!
And mommy called me a sitting duck because I found a big puddle and sat in it up to my neck. They laughed. Daddy was a little bit upset because I was gonna be all wet for the drive home.
Lucky for me, it wasn't raining so my parents opened the window for me. I dried off pretty quick on the way back home.

where are the girls?

I have come from an environment at RTS where there was so much camaraderie that I would find my cup overflowing with fellowship. A closet introvert, I would need to schedule time to be alone during that season. I was hardly in want of a friendship where I could feel loved, accepted, heard, and understood. I still have a lot of those friends but they have moved or have gotten busy with life (including myself). I feel a bit of a hole in that place now because I don't get to see these friends regularly. I miss the conversation. I miss the security of knowing that these folks know exactly where I am coming from. I talked to my friend, Jenny, the other day and she expressed a similar sentiment--that friendships that started after RTS and the marriage and family therapy program are not the same as the mft buddies we've made. I'm sure that's life--transitioning into different relationships--but there is a quality in these "old" friendships that I want to recreate, though I don't know how to pinpoint what it is or how to muster it up. Maybe it is that these folks being trained and particularly gifted in handling people carefully are safer to me, or that we are bonded and joined by the same information we've learned about communication, people, and the rampant effects of sin.

Also, I've noticed that marriage doesn't really lend itself to girl time. Or maybe that my girlfriends and I haven't planned any. I have my prayer group and though that is time well spent sharing one another's joys and trials it isn't "fun". Is it possible? I think so. Maybe just less frequent than it should be in an ideal world. No husband can substitute the hearty goodness of a bunch of girls hanging out. I miss it.

commitment phobia

I feel weird saying this but I think I am a commitment phobe. I never ever really thought I was. I always recognized it in other folks and really couldn't stand it. I had to wait for some people to figure out what their options were for a Friday night before they would commit to hanging out with me. Sad, right? So, I think I took some pride in my letting my "yes be yes, and my no be no". However, I think I wait a long time before I make a "yes" or "no" commitment. I think back to my fears of marriage and it was scary to think that I was committing my life to someone else and vice versa. I didn't know the fine print...in other words, what was going to happen down the road that may or may not have me wishing I never committed. I also think about children and that by having them you are in a way signing a commitment or taking a vow to take care of this little one. I can't get out of it. I can't go back if I don't like it or if it doesn't suit me or if I can't hack it (biggest fear). It is terrifying but what is more terrifying is that I will be pregnant one of these days and be terrified and panic because a baby is coming whether I can handle it or not. A total basket case moment that I deem miserable (most of them are). I don't think that I have enough hardiness to handle a difficult pregnancy or a difficult time afterward. Then again, I say all of this without any experience of it. I feel better just writing these things down. Thanks for listening/reading.

birthday loot

Here are some photos of the great gifts David got me. He knows me so well. I couldn't get some of them right side up but I figure most of you know and can tilt your head to the left.

This is a Baby Blues comic strip book. I love the baby blues comics and now I can read it when I need to escape for a little while.

This is a Brain Age game for my nintendo ds lite. It helps your brain functioning by making you practice certain skills like reading and math. Right now, my brain age is 68. Which is pretty bad since ideally your supposed to be 20. Cora also wanted to pose for the picture.

David (so cute) gave be sewing lessons. He put a thimble in a ring box. I thought he bought me jewelry at first and was relieved to see how creative and cute he presented what I really wanted.

fleeting moments

I never seem to have motivation at the right times of day. It can be about 10pm and I'm wanting to tackle some decorating task in our home but I know that I need to sleep. The next day I have time and yet I have no inclination to decorate (or clean) anything. Why does that happen? I love it when the moons align, my personal mood rights and the time is right to be super-productive in my home. It does happen but not always when I want it to. Do I force it? Do I wait it out? If it were David, he would probably do his chores anyway. I admire that yet don't have that much willpower. So my struggle with laziness or lack of intrinsic motivation continues.

On another note, I had a dream last night that Cora, our lab, was lost and that David and I were being chased by bears. Oh my.

and we decided (drumroll please)...

We're staying in Jackson!! David will pursue his Masters and maybe eventually his PhD through the distance ed program at the University of Florida.